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Mosesatm
05/05/2006, 11:08 AM
Since it's Friday I think we need a joke or two. Here's an oldie but a goodie.

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

TheBlkPearl
05/05/2006, 11:34 AM
Would you rather go hunting with Dick Cheney or ride in a car with the Kennedys driving?

case12
05/05/2006, 01:29 PM
OK - did I miss the memo? What's up with all the dogs showing up in your avatar? Casey

Mosesatm
05/05/2006, 02:14 PM
What dogs? Just a picture of my assistant.

still looking for one
05/05/2006, 02:38 PM
Would you rather go hunting with Dick Cheney or ride in a car with the Kennedys driving?

Let's cross that bridge when we come to it :wink:

(Ducking and running)

rvrtrash
05/05/2006, 08:08 PM
Let's cross that bridge when we come to it :wink:

(Ducking and running)

And swimming? :grin:

Steve

p51
05/05/2006, 10:29 PM
Since it's Friday I think we need a joke or two. Here's an oldie but a goodie.

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
Now *that* was fall-off-your-seat funny :smile:

Both Dubya and Teddy are different only in that they fell off of different branches of the stupid tree...

marie68csmustangs
05/06/2006, 09:20 PM
[QUOTE=TheBlkPearl]Would you rather go hunting with Dick Cheney or ride in a car with the Kennedys driving?

I don't know Hmmm! Both are pretty dangerous!

Marie

Perkchiro
05/08/2006, 07:38 PM
Wasn't it Teddy K. that responded to the query about "Roe vs Wade" with "I'd rather travel by yacht"?

Mosesatm
05/12/2006, 08:31 AM
Uh oh, it's Friday.

If no one posts a joke soon I'll be forced to dig deep into my lame-joke archives and dust one off.

Mosesatm
05/12/2006, 08:49 AM
Ok, you've given me no other choice!

Have you heard that the bird flu has already made a huge impact on Florida?

Check out the attached picture, but be warned that the image is more than a little disturbing.

Mosesatm
05/12/2006, 12:55 PM
Someone just sent me some pictures that are both hilarious and slightly disturbing.

joedls
05/12/2006, 01:15 PM
Arlie,

You were beginning to worry me with the previous posting, but you have redeemed yourself with this one.

Diesel Donna
05/12/2006, 06:58 PM
I really like Arlie's dog.....he laughs at everything Arlie says! :grin:

Mustanger
05/19/2006, 10:45 AM
Hey Arlie ... it's Friday again ...

Mustanger
05/19/2006, 11:03 AM
... how about a game?

Senses challenge:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/body/interactives/senseschallenge/senses.swf

... see how well you score ...

Mosesatm
05/19/2006, 03:59 PM
Took a day off work to run errands. One of which was picking up the axles from the shop that pressed on the wheel bearings.

Please don't neglect your rear wheel bearings!!!! $50 bucks for the bearings and $40 to get them pressed onto the axles. Money well spent. Wheel bearings and timing chains are the forgotten gremlins.

I was hoping someone would fill in and save all of you from another lame joke, and lo and behold Mustanger stepped up and you all thought he saved you from the lame joke of the week!!! Ha, Mustanger knows not to mess with the king when it comes to lame jokes so he gave us a game instead. Shrewd move, but not shrewd enough!

Ok, lame joke of the week for you computer people.


ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 &4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It Pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A FEW DAYS LATER . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off??

ABBOTT: Click on "START"..........

joedls
05/19/2006, 04:29 PM
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Mustanglvr
05/19/2006, 06:10 PM
That game/test was fun Mustanger and the joke was very funny Arlie!

Mosesatm
05/26/2006, 06:31 AM
No lame joke this week, (Rhonda took care of that on another thread) just advice from Dave Barry. I think we can all relate to #3 and the ladies may appreciate #14.


14 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN:
by Dave Barry , Nationally Syndicated Columnist

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Never lick a steak knife.

7. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

8. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

9. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

10. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

11. A person who is nice to you but rude to a waiter is not a nice person.
(This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

12. Your friends love you anyway.

13. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

14. Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Mustanglvr
05/26/2006, 06:37 AM
Number 13, embarassingly enough, the builders of the Titanic were Irishmen.

p51
05/28/2006, 12:01 PM
Number 13, embarassingly enough, the builders of the Titanic were Irishmen.
There wasnt ever any issue about how the Titanic was built or even how it was designed. The problem was how it was driven.. :wink:

rvrtrash
05/28/2006, 04:04 PM
I believe there is a theory that part of the problem was the way the steel was manufactured. It was supposedly too brittle and in cold temperatures was prone to cracking under stress. The main bulkheads also didn't go all the way to the top deck, allowing water to flow over the top into the next compartment which would flood and spill into the next, etc. None of this would have made a difference of course if the hull hadn't been impacted in the first place. History lesson complete for today. Tomorrows test will be on the League of Nations.

Steve

nfrntau
05/28/2006, 08:33 PM
There wasnt ever any issue about how the Titanic was built or even how it was designed. The problem was how it was driven.. :wink:

I guess this brings us back to #10

marie68csmustangs
05/28/2006, 10:41 PM
I like all of them, and the main thing is that it's all true.. Espically #12..

Another one - In America, Where we order a Big Mac and Large fries and wash it down with a diet coke.... Go figure!!

Marie

p51
05/29/2006, 07:09 AM
I believe there is a theory that part of the problem was the way the steel was manufactured. It was supposedly too brittle and in cold temperatures was prone to cracking under stress. The main bulkheads also didn't go all the way to the top deck, allowing water to flow over the top into the next compartment which would flood and spill into the next, etc. None of this would have made a difference of course if the hull hadn't been impacted in the first place. History lesson complete for today. Tomorrows test will be on the League of Nations.

Steve
Interesting. Didnt know about the steel being brittle. Knew about the bulkheads. The designer was on the ship when it hit the iceberg. It wasnt too long after the damage assessment was done (the ship was barely listing at the time) that he calculated that the ship would indeed sink - it was never designed to have as many water-tight compartments compromised below the waterline as happened in the accident. "Unsinkable" was the marketing spin...
There are lies, damn lies, and marketing :wink:

Mustanger
06/02/2006, 09:04 AM
Let the joking begin ...

Mustanger
06/02/2006, 09:15 AM
... okay, I'll start:

--------------------------------------------------------------

This is not a joke!

You really can get a free BBQ grill from any of the following stores:

Save-On

Zellers

Wal-Mart

IGA marketplace

Costco

Safeway

The following shows the BBQ in action........

Diesel Donna
06/02/2006, 11:03 AM
Do you know why cowboy hats are turned up on the sides?



So they can fit three cowboys in a pick-up.



Okay, sorry 'bout that.

Mosesatm
06/02/2006, 01:45 PM
Good point.

Hmmmmm, maybe there is something to Brokeback Mountain after all.

Mustanglvr
06/03/2006, 08:01 AM
Good point.

Hmmmmm, maybe there is something to Brokeback Mountain after all.

In that case Arlie, the hats would be turned up in the front and back, you`de think. LMAO:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

I know, I`m warped.

Mustanger
06/09/2006, 08:07 AM
... sooooo, what's funny for today??

Mustanger
06/09/2006, 08:17 AM
... okay, here's one ...

still looking for one
06/09/2006, 09:11 AM
Groan. Only in America

Jim

Mustanglvr
06/09/2006, 10:23 AM
Now this is funny.:eek: :rofl:

BroadwayBlue
06/09/2006, 07:57 PM
Now this is funny.:eek: :rofl:

not if it was my house or my CS! :sad:

Mustanger
06/16/2006, 03:24 PM
... Hey, where's the Friday funnies???

Mosesatm
06/16/2006, 03:32 PM
Sorry, I was inspecting funeral homes for handicapped access all day. I swear, if I could find a way to make money with pictures of toilets I could retire.

Here we go, I found a better-late-than-never Friday funny.

http://www.eepybird.com/

p51
06/16/2006, 10:40 PM
... Hey, where's the Friday funnies???
This being a car site here's a video thats related to the quality of German car (VW) engineering. Its been around for a while so some of you may have already seen it but it still cracks me up everytime I watch it. :grin:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=1815221818924648671&q=vw+terrorist

Mustanglvr
06/16/2006, 10:46 PM
Sorry, I was inspecting funeral homes for handicapped access all day. I swear, if I could find a way to make money with pictures of toilets I could retire.

Here we go, I found a better-late-than-never Friday funny.

http://www.eepybird.com/

That was great Arlie. My 10 year old daughter BriLynn and I really enjoyed that video. I sent it on to everyone on my email list.

p51
06/16/2006, 11:07 PM
Here's another car related video. Based on a car security device that was introduced last year they more recently have come up with versions with different options... :wink:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=6804474278665213217&q=genre%3Acomedy

still looking for one
06/19/2006, 03:32 PM
From a Military vehicle collector's site in UK (England)
***
True story,

Constable pulled over a teenage driver for speeding on the Highway, and said to him
"I've been waiting for you ALL DAY!!"

The teenager blurted out "Well I got here as fast as I could!!"

The cop was laughing so hard, he let the guy go without a ticket!!!


I guess if your story is good enough you can get off,

Jim B.

Mosesatm
06/23/2006, 06:42 AM
The Lame Friday Joke for today, June 23, 2006.

Here are pictures of why dogs attack people.

And as a bonus, can you tell which bird is the female and which is the male?

still looking for one
06/23/2006, 08:34 AM
In light of the heat wave, Let's think some "Winter Thoughts" (From Mercedes Benz forum, 1999)

DEGREES FARENHEIGHT:

60: California residents put on sweaters (if they can find one)
50: Miami residents turn on the heat
45: Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts
40: You can see your breath. California residents shiver uncontrollably
35: Italian cars don't start
32: Water freezes
30: You plan your trip to Australia
25: Ohio water freezes. California residents weep pitiably. Minnesota residents eat ice cream. Canadians go swimming
20: Politicians bewgin to talk about the homeless
15: French cars don't start. Cat insists sleeping in the bed with you
10: You need jumper cables to get the car going
5: American cars don't start
0: Alaska residents put on T shirts
--10: German cars don't start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink
--15: You can cut your breath and build an igloo. Arkansas resients stick tongue on metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist
--20: Cat insists on sleeping in pyjamas with you. Politicians actually do something about the homeless. Minnesota residents shovel snow off the roof
--25: Too cold to think. You need jumper cables to get the driver going
--30: You plan a 2 week hot bath. Swedish cars don't start
--40: California residents disappear. Minnesota residents button top button
Canadians put on sweaters. Your car helps you plan your trip south
--50: Congressional hot air freezes. Alaska residents close the bathroom window. Polar bears move south. Green Bay Packers fans order hot cocoa
at the game
AND AT: --90: Lawyers put their hands in their pocket

Keep cool,
Jim

Mustanglvr
06/23/2006, 08:51 AM
Its good the lawyers are putting their hands in their own pockets for a change.

Yep, we Minnesotan`s wear shorts and t-shirts when its 35 degrees. A 20 degree day in the winter is a gift from God. When the sun is shining you can enjoy being outside.

Mosesatm
06/23/2006, 08:55 AM
First winter in Minneapolis after we moved from Houston in 1993

Mustanglvr
06/23/2006, 09:04 AM
Yep, I remember 1993. The cold can be kind of a shock to the ol` system to out of staters. I know alot of people that were displaced from hurricane Katrina sure noticed the cold when some of them moved here last winter.

Mosesatm
06/30/2006, 09:16 AM
I think I may have posted these on a previous thread but I dont remember for sure. You know, more of the whole second-thing-go-go issue.

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.


1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law, Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.


25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Mustanglvr
06/30/2006, 09:27 AM
LOL, those are very funny Arlie. I was chuckling all the way through it.

marie68csmustangs
06/30/2006, 10:47 AM
Very funny, Yeah, when espically when CA residents have to put on a sweater when it's 60 degrees outside...

Marie

Diesel Donna
06/30/2006, 07:44 PM
HAHAHAAAAA Arlie, where DO you find these things?

Nani thought it was hysterical too!

still looking for one
07/01/2006, 08:11 PM
Fun list of of wrriting examples up with which we will not put

Jim B,

Mustanger
07/07/2006, 07:42 AM
IT'S FRIDAY AGAIN ...

Here's a little something my friend sent me:

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.

I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was.

I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.

My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

Mustanglvr
07/07/2006, 08:04 AM
LOL, very cute Mustanger.

Diesel Donna
07/07/2006, 08:36 AM
Do you know the difference between a Fairy Tale and a truck driver's story?

The Fairy Tale starts out "Once upon a time..."

And the truck driver's story starts with "Ya'll ain't gonna believe this shit...."

:grin:

marie68csmustangs
07/07/2006, 11:46 PM
Good one Donna :-)) Really like it...

Marie

still looking for one
07/09/2006, 01:04 PM
Do you know the difference between a Fairy Tale and a truck driver's story?

The Fairy Tale starts out "Once upon a time..."

And the truck driver's story starts with "Ya'll ain't gonna believe this shit...."

:grin:

Leaning out of cab window and making spitting sound,, GOOD ONE Double D

Jim

still looking for one
07/09/2006, 01:13 PM
A new arrival in Hell was brought before the Devil

The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20 pound sledgehammer in 95-degree heat with 95% humidity. At the end of the day the Devil wnt to check on the new arrival. To his disgust he found the man laboring away on the rock pile smiling and singing. The man explained to the Devil that the heat and hard work reminded him of summer days on his farm back in Georgia

The next day the Devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees and 100% humidity. At the end of the day the Devil went to check on the man, only to find him happily sweating and sgtraining at his task. He explained to the Devil that it reminded him of cleaning out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved Georgia farm.

The next day the Devil told his demon to turn down the temperature to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind. At the end of the day the Devil, sure the man would be miserable now, went to check on him. But the man was singing louder than ever and twirling the sledgehammer like a baton. When the Devil asked him why he was so happy the man said, "Cold day in Hell, the Falcons must have won the Superbowl"

:grin:

(Could not resist, it was sent by a preacher and found its way to a Mercedes list)

Jim

Mustanger
07/14/2006, 08:27 AM
Since it's Friday again ...

The parents of two boys (14 and 16 year-olds) went on a trip for the weekend with friends. They left early Friday morning and the boys were left alone at home.

That evening the younger boy made the suggestion that they take their dad's car, pick up some girls and go to the local disco. The 16 year-old boy could drive a bit but was too scared. After some nagging he gave in and off they went to enjoy the evening.

When they got back to the car after a lot of discothequeing, they noticed a huge dent in the rear of the car - someone must have bumped into the car and drove off. Frantically they phoned their friends to find a panelbeater/spraypainter to fix their dad's car.

Finally they found one who said they must have the car at his house early next morning. The car was fixed properly and they parked it back in the garage that afternoon.

Their parents returned the next day but the boys were too terrified to say anything about the accident. The father went to get something from the garage, came back very amazed and said to the family in the lounge, "A miracle has happened! A guy drove into the back of my car on Thursday and now it is fixed without a scratch!"

Midnight Special
07/14/2006, 06:31 PM
...Did you hear about the frustrated math teacher who had constipation & couldn't work it out with a pencil?

...Or how'bout the Italian Airways jet that made it's first landing at an airport in the U.S.

Just as the wheels touch the runway - the pilot SLAMS on the brakes & goes full reverse, yet the plane (screeching) still runs off the runway & into the dirt...

As the dust settles, the pilot looks at the copilot & says:
"MommaMeeah, at'sa shortest'a run'away Iv'a ever'a landed'on"

Copilot says: Yeah, but she was'a seven'a miles a'wide!

p51
07/21/2006, 12:02 AM
Kicking off the Friday funnies with a very clever video... enjoy...

Life is hard when you're Darth Vader's less-talented, less-charismatic younger brother and you manage a grocery store. Just click on the link below.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=4wGR4-SeuJ0

Mustanglvr
07/21/2006, 07:48 AM
Here is a classic video that been all over the internet for the last few years. The poor kid videotaped himself at school and forgot to remove the tape when he was done. He is obviously a Star Wars fan, lol.

http://www.funnyhub.com/videos/pages/star-wars-kid.html

joedls
07/21/2006, 09:54 AM
Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what; metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king’s wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds.

He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas,
once the princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess,
"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the prince's pants?

M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING??

Mustanger
07/21/2006, 01:53 PM
There's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like an old salt, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and the bird's foul mouth is driving him nuts.

One day, it just gets to be too much and the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!"
But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.


Then the guy gets angry and says, "OK for you," and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and
he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would
make a sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din.
The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird meekly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded and amazed at the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the CHICKEN DO?"

still looking for one
07/22/2006, 12:07 AM
Understanding engineers:

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections". the last said, "Actually, it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste dump through a recreational area?'

Jim B.

Mustanger
07/28/2006, 07:55 AM
... with all of the pirate craze going on (my little guy loves it) everywhere, even here,

http://www.californiaspecial.com/forums/showthread.php?p=28901#post28901

... I thought a good pirate joke would be fun ... AAARRRRR !!! ...:


A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"

Mustanglvr
08/04/2006, 12:41 AM
Here is a collection of Mel Gibson cartoons done by professional cartoonists referring to his DUI arrest. Some of them are pretty funny.

http://cagle.msnbc.com/news/MelGibson/


TGIF!!!!!

still looking for one
08/04/2006, 01:06 AM
Understanding engineers

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes". The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude". The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him".

(dramatic pause)

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime". The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight".

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my opthamologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them".

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Jim B

Mustanger
08/04/2006, 07:25 AM
Understanding engineers

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes". The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude". The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him".

(dramatic pause)

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime". The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight".

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my opthamologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them".

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Jim B

Haha, that's a good one ... and I can say that because I'm an engineer ... it's good to able to laugh at yourself ...

Mosesatm
08/04/2006, 07:46 AM
Another engineer joke. Sort of.....



A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.

He descended a little bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don’t know where I am”

The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude”

“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”

The woman below responded, “You must be in management.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

Mustanger
08/04/2006, 07:56 AM
Another engineer joke. Sort of.....



A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.

He descended a little bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don’t know where I am”

The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude”

“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”

The woman below responded, “You must be in management.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

... I've heard that one too, it has some truth in it, no doubt ...

Mustanger
08/04/2006, 08:15 AM
Here's one:

Q: How do you double the value of a Pinto?

A: Fill it with gas!

Mustanglvr
08/04/2006, 08:21 AM
Here's one:

Q: How do you double the value of a Pinto?

A: Fill it with gas!

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

p51
08/04/2006, 10:16 AM
For your Friday entertainment. ChubbChubbs animated video. Won an Academy Award a few years back (I think). Make sure you watch through the credits...

http://youtube.com/watch?v=x75-CjTt2s8

Mustanglvr
08/04/2006, 10:53 AM
For your Friday entertainment. ChubbChubbs animated video. Won an Academy Award a few years back (I think). Make sure you watch through the credits...

http://youtube.com/watch?v=x75-CjTt2s8

How adorable is that! Very entertaining!

p51
08/11/2006, 12:31 PM
I was looking for national archive WWII footage. This just happened to be on the google video home page.

Blonde secretary...

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-2102104544004622946

Mustanglvr
08/11/2006, 04:01 PM
Here`s a couple funny videos.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5191621181516459340&hl=en

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7632211729087286881&hl=en

Mosesatm
08/18/2006, 06:47 AM
Security levels have been raised around the world.

ENGLAND
The British are feeling concerned in relation to today's events and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved'. Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of London in 1666.

FRANCE
The French government announced that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate".

The rise was precipitated by a recent fire in Toulouse caused by rioters that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

ITALY
It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "shout loudly and excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change sides".

GERMANY
The Germans also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance" to "dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher levels: "invade a neighbor" and "lose".

p51
08/21/2006, 03:11 AM
Security levels have been raised around the world.

ENGLAND
The British are feeling concerned in relation to today's events and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved'.....
Really enjoyed this one. Very funny :thumb:

Mustanger
08/25/2006, 10:47 AM
Careful what you wish

Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be."

"Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!"

"No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. "And what do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy.

"I'd like to be one cool stud!" was the reply.

"Easy," replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.

After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. "You'll find them easily," he says, "One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!"

Mustanglvr
08/26/2006, 07:21 AM
Ha, ha! Very funny!

Mustanger
09/01/2006, 07:48 AM
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"

Mustanglvr
09/01/2006, 02:44 PM
Wow, thats got mixed messages. Pretty good! It makes it out that heaven must be very beautiful!

Mustanger
09/08/2006, 07:40 AM
Mortal: What is a million years like to You?

God: Like one second.

Mortal: What is a million dollars like to You?

God: Like one penny.

Mortal: Can I have a penny?

God: Just a second...

Mustanger
09/15/2006, 08:00 AM
"All generalizations are false."

"Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."

Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."

"Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death"

"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."

"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"

"Work is for people who don't know how to fish"

"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"

"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."

Mosesatm
09/15/2006, 08:45 AM
Since I'm an engineer people keep sending me engineer jokes. These are pretty good and, sadly, true!

Q: What is the definition of an engineer?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.

Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.

Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.

You should be an engineer if:
.... choosing to buy flowers for your wife or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma.
.... you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.
.... in college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
.... the sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions.
.... at an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.
.... you bought your wife a new CD-RW drive for her birthday.
.... you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
.... you can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.
.... you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
.... you sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see how they do the special effects.
.... you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
.... you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
.... you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids' toys together.
.... you see a good design and still have to change it.
.... you spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.
.... you still own a slide rule and know how to use it.
.... you think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived.
.... you window shop at Radio Shack.
.... your laptop computer costs more than your car.
.... your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
.... you've already calculated how much you make per second.
.... you've tried to repair a $5 radio.

Mustanger
09/15/2006, 09:40 AM
Since I'm an engineer people keep sending me engineer jokes. These are pretty good and, sadly, true!

Q: What is the definition of an engineer?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.

Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.

Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.

You should be an engineer if:
.... choosing to buy flowers for your wife or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma.
.... you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.
.... in college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
.... the sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions.
.... at an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.
.... you bought your wife a new CD-RW drive for her birthday.
.... you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
.... you can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.
.... you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
.... you sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see how they do the special effects.
.... you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
.... you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
.... you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids' toys together.
.... you see a good design and still have to change it.
.... you spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.
.... you still own a slide rule and know how to use it.
.... you think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived.
.... you window shop at Radio Shack.
.... your laptop computer costs more than your car.
.... your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
.... you've already calculated how much you make per second.
.... you've tried to repair a $5 radio.

Some of those are pretty funny ... kinda reminds me of that computer repair service (for Best Buy?) called "The Geek Squad" ...

CougarCJ
09/15/2006, 05:02 PM
Boudreaux, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana, was an older, single gentleman, who was born and raised in South Louisiana. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook some wild pig.
Now, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic... And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled boar steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic
faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that Boudreaux convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended Mass and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were
born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."
Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled pork filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed to the
yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped in amazement and watched. There stood Boudreaux, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted:
"You wuz born a hog, and you wuz raised a hog, but now you a catfish."

Mustanger
09/18/2006, 07:35 AM
Boudreaux, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana, was an older, single gentleman, who was born and raised in South Louisiana. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook some wild pig.
Now, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic... And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled boar steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic
faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that Boudreaux convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended Mass and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were
born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."
Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled pork filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed to the
yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped in amazement and watched. There stood Boudreaux, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted:
"You wuz born a hog, and you wuz raised a hog, but now you a catfish."

... that's funny, I'll have to share this one ...

Mustanger
09/18/2006, 02:57 PM
A lawyer and an engineer were at a resort in Hawaii, and got to talking at the bar over some drinks.

The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything I lost."

The engineer replied, "What a coincidence! I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood. My insurance company also paid for everything."

After a brief pause, the puzzled lawyer asked, "Just out of curiosity - how do you start a flood?"

Mosesatm
09/22/2006, 06:19 AM
It's Friday, it's Friday, it's Friday!!!!!!!

Another attempt at a lame joke.....



Offertory Prayer

A visiting minister during the offertory prayer:
"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully for a change!) looked over at her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice,

"Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point...

LUVMYCS
09/22/2006, 09:27 AM
Very cute Arlie, I like that one!

CougarCJ
09/22/2006, 04:04 PM
jSubject: The Priest

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest
beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."

Next!

Mosesatm
09/29/2006, 08:21 AM
Oh man, TGIF!!!!!!

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be
stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in
the fog.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those
who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he
will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty

Mustanger
09/29/2006, 08:35 AM
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?

It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome.

So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.

So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the lousy haircut?" ...

Mosesatm
09/29/2006, 10:33 AM
There are 2 barbers in a town. One has a great haircut and the other has a terrible hair cut. Which one should you use?

joedls
09/29/2006, 11:28 AM
There are 2 barbers in a town. One has a great haircut and the other has a terrible hair cut. Which one should you use?

The one with the terrible haircut, because he cut the hair of the barber with the good haircut.

Mustanglvr
09/29/2006, 01:57 PM
Arlie, forgive me for asking such a dumb question but.... What does Monty Python have to do with being an engineer?

CougarCJ
09/29/2006, 04:30 PM
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for
the
sport.

"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,"
one complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too,"
said one of the others.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the
third
senior. After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and
the
wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said...
"Quit your dang complaining and just be thankful we're still on the
RIGHT
SIDE of the grass!"

Mosesatm
10/02/2006, 08:14 AM
Arlie, forgive me for asking such a dumb question but.... What does Monty Python have to do with being an engineer?
I have no idea. Personally, I'm not a big Monty Python fan. But then, my schooling was in Civil Engineer and Python may be more of an electrical engineer thing. CEs always considered MEs and EEs to be higher on the weirdness scale!:grin:

Mosesatm
10/02/2006, 08:18 AM
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for
the
sport.

"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,"
one complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too,"
said one of the others.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the
third
senior. After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and
the
wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said...
"Quit your dang complaining and just be thankful we're still on the
RIGHT
SIDE of the grass!"
I like it! Nothing better than a joke about the 2 best things in the world. Golf and cemeteries!!!

What was the Rodney Dangerfield line in Caddy Shack about them? "Golf courses and Cemeteries, the 2.... (something about a waste of land)"

nfrntau
10/06/2006, 05:37 AM
Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin
to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the
stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a
flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will
start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you
are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it
will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle
arrive last.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will
ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have
adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on
a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of
the carpet/rug.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will
stop making it.

Bill's law:
If you only bought one size of brake tubing, you will need the other size.

Mustanger
10/06/2006, 07:00 AM
...Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

...

... Oliver was a smart lawyer ...

Mustanger
10/06/2006, 10:27 AM
A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2007 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?".

The dude replies "A 2007 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000."

"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure" replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!"

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe three times as fast!

The guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeeP?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.

Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!

WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

The guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the badly injured old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!"

Mustanglvr
10/06/2006, 11:32 AM
Oh fer Funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mustanger
10/13/2006, 07:37 AM
...You might be a redneck if you have ever vacationed in a highway rest area.

PNewitt
10/13/2006, 08:49 AM
Okay, Okay...I'll chime in with my two bits.....


Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The
ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve
food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"

Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That
sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you,"
said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed,
is there any thing you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have
a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then
checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him
down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?

CougarCJ
10/13/2006, 11:05 AM
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from
generation to generation, says that, "When you discover that you
are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."

However, in government, education and in corporate America, more
advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures
ride horses.

5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be more
productive.

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as "living-impaired."

7. Hiring outside contractors to lift the dead horse and move its
legs.

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead
horse's performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would
improve the dead horse's performance.

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it
is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes
substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some
other horses.

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all
horses.

And of course my favorite...........

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

Mustanglvr
10/13/2006, 04:31 PM
...You might be a redneck if you have ever vacationed in a highway rest area.

Ha ha, that struck a cord! My dad used to take our whole family on picnics to a rest stop on Interstate 90 when we lived in South Dakota. He`d drive 40 miles just to get there. I never could figure out why he never took us to a state or county park instead? lol

LUVMYCS
10/20/2006, 07:26 AM
Good, Better, Best


GOOD
In Richardson, Texas , a State Trooper was running radar. He had a
perfect spot to watch for speeders, but he wasn't getting any. Then he discovered the problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD!" The officer later found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)
>>
BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Plano, Texas. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being
cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police
responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
>>
BEST
A young woman was pulled over in Austin, Texas for speeding. As the TX
State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book,
she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Police
Ball." He replied, "Texas State Troopers don't have balls." There was a
moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was
laughing too hard to start her car.

Mosesatm
10/20/2006, 08:16 AM
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

“Yes, Father, it is.”

“And, who was the woman you were with?”

“I can’t be tellin’ you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”

“Well, Tommy, I’m sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O’Malley?”

“I cannot Say.”

“Was it Patricia Kelly?”

“I’ll never tell.”

“Was it Liz Shannon?”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t name her.”

“Was it Cathy Morgan?”

“My lips are sealed.”

“Was it Finoa McDonald, then?”

“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”

The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that, but you’ve sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for 3 months. Be off with you now.”

Tommy walks back to his pew and his friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”

“Three month’s vacation and five good leads.”

Mustanger
10/20/2006, 09:49 AM
Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

CougarCJ
10/20/2006, 03:58 PM
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!

p51
10/20/2006, 06:05 PM
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!
I like it.

Similar situation. When I was ~10 I was travelling with my dad. We stopped at restaurant for lunch. The waitress asked what we wanted. I ordered a hamburger, fries, coke (typical kid). My dad, who wasnt particularly hungry ordered a smaller (and cheaper) children's chicken plate for 12 and under. The waitress, in no uncertain terms, informs him that he can't order that because he's not a child. My dad, as cool as could be and without missing a beat said...

"Hmmm (looking at the menu). OK (closing the menu). Then I guess I'll have a hamburger, fries, and a coke. And...
...my son will change his order and have the children's chicken plate"

The waitress was completely pissed off. My dad was as nice as could be towards her...

After we finished eating (he had sucessfully convinced me to swap my chicken for his hamburger) he left the waitress a $0.01 tip. That way she knew that he hadn't just forgotten to leave a tip. He later said that the lesson she learned was worth more than the normal 15% tip anyway.

Mustanglvr
10/20/2006, 07:42 PM
Way to go Dad!

Mustanglvr
10/27/2006, 04:20 PM
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain; and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party after all. In as much as her husband didn't know what costume she'd be wearing, she thought she'd have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she wasn't around.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every chick he could, getting a little kiss here and a warm squeeze there. His wife went up to him and being rather seductive herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to this new babe who had just arrived.

She let him do whatever he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and they did it all! Zowie! Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in. She asked how the evening had been? He said "Oh, the same old thing. You know, I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "You know, I didn't dance even one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.

But I'll tell you...from what I heard, the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"

Mustanglvr
10/27/2006, 04:30 PM
Here are some cute pictures. There`s alot of sick pumpkins there, lol.

CougarCJ
10/27/2006, 09:20 PM
1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull
the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the
stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep
the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start
sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the
plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small
probability of survival and vice-versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the
opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience
before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion
coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero
miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
24. The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, gas back at the airport,
and a tenth of a second ago.
25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.

Mustanger
11/03/2006, 11:47 AM
A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce.

He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls. "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got a phone in my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, "Yes, I have a phone."

The driver of the Yugo said, "Cool! Hey, you also got a fridge in there, too? I've got one in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, much annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."

The driver of the Yugo said, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated by now, replied, "Of course, I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"

The driver of the Yugo said, "Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, upset that he did not have a bed, sped away and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be installed in the back of his Rolls-Royce.

The next morning, he returned to pick up his car, and the bed looked superb It came complete with silk sheets and a brass-trimmed headboard. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls-Royce. So the driver of the Rolls began searching for the Yugo. He drove around all day and finally found the Yugo late that night.

It was parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. He got out and knocked on the window of the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he continued knocking and knocking until finally, the owner of the Yugo lowered the window, and stuck his soaking wet head out.

"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him narrowly and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!?!"

Mustanger
11/10/2006, 09:15 AM
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.

Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"

Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."

Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!

Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful.

At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.

Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible.

Sister: Oh, we just got off of highway 119.

Mosesatm
11/10/2006, 09:48 AM
He thought that was a funny joke!!!

Mustanglvr
11/10/2006, 09:52 AM
Arlie, were you hungover in that picture? ;)

Mosesatm
11/10/2006, 10:28 AM
Arlie, were you hungover in that picture? ;)

Uh, no, I don't look anything like that when I'm hungover. This is how I look.

Mosesatm
11/10/2006, 10:33 AM
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.

Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"

Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."

Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!

Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful.

At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.

Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible.

Sister: Oh, we just got off of highway 119.

When nuns go bad!!

Mustanglvr
11/10/2006, 10:58 AM
Uh, no, I don't look anything like that when I'm hungover. This is how I look.

Very cute, its nice to see your head is not buried in the sand.:rofl:

390cs68rcode
11/14/2006, 07:12 AM
Uh, no, I don't look anything like that when I'm hungover. This is how I look.

I will vouch for Arlie on this one.

:wink:

Mosesatm
11/17/2006, 06:49 AM
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?” says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with 'ass."

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let
you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."

Mustanger
11/17/2006, 02:59 PM
A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

"Well, we work for the county government, " one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back."

"Yea," piped up Mike. "Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean we can't work, does it?"

p51
11/17/2006, 05:19 PM
..."but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."
Laughed so hard 'bout fell out of my chair on this one... :grin:

Mustanglvr
11/17/2006, 07:01 PM
One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.
Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...
The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.
The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"

CougarCJ
11/17/2006, 07:26 PM
A Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The
>father
>answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
>
>Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a
>date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
>
>
>We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download
>from
>my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that
neither
>one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete
>button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
>
>You got Male!

CougarCJ
11/28/2006, 09:20 PM
It is hard not to hear Chico Marx in your head and read this.:grin:


An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Data easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree makea nine," says the Italian.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees isa dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"


The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little doga came along and crapa by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a t u r d, dirty tree and a t u r d, and dirty tree and a t u r d, data makea one hundred. So, when do I start?"

Diesel Donna
11/28/2006, 10:50 PM
A cop got out of his car and the kid (insert name, for example, Joedls or DavidAthans) who was stopped
for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing sent sent the kid off
without a ticket.

Mustanglvr
11/28/2006, 11:29 PM
I love the jokes!!!:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: They`re all so funny!!!

Mustanger
12/01/2006, 11:34 AM
Q: What do you call Santa's Helpers?

A: Subordinate clauses!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What does Santa call his wife at tax time?

A: A dependent Claus.

Mustanger
12/01/2006, 11:40 AM
Christmas is the time when people put so many bulbs on the outside of their houses, you don't know if they're celebrating the birth of Jesus or General Electric.

p51
12/03/2006, 04:04 PM
Consider this a *very* late Friday post.

Porky Pigs Blue Christmas song. Just click on the link and make sure your audio is on. The guy laughing in the background is almost as funny as the song...

http://www.blueyze.com/bluechristmas.html

Diesel Donna
12/07/2006, 08:32 PM
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates", Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of
keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Holiday Season Begins..

p51
12/07/2006, 10:20 PM
For those who've never heard it, Abbott and Costello's famous comedy routine. Probably one of the funniest routines done. Definitely the most famous...

Click to hear .mp3 (2MB)...

http://www.phoenix5.org/humor/WhosOnFirstAudio.mp3

The main webpage...

http://www.phoenix5.org/humor/WhoOnFirst.html

Mustanglvr
12/24/2006, 09:56 PM
A little girl is riding her new bicycle down the street,
she comes across a mounted Cop on the corner.
The cop looks down at the little girl and say's:
"Did Santa bring you that bike you have there?"
The little girl says: "Yes sir, he sure did."
The cop looks over the bike, then hands her a $5 ticket and says:
"Next time, tell Santa to put a reflector on the back."
The little girl takes the ticket, then looks under the horse.
She asked the cop: "Did Santa bring you this horse?"
The cop answers: "Sure did, Why do you ask?"
Without cracking a smile, the little girl looks up and says:
"Next time, tell Santa that the d*ck goes UNDER the horse."

CALIF GIRL
12/24/2006, 10:33 PM
The Cake
Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this--especially all of the ladies who bake for church events.
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.
She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp.
But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake."
This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of new friends.
So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom -- a roll of toilet paper.
She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive perfect cake had already been sold.
Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom. Alice was horrified she was beside herself. Everyone would know, what would they think?
Oh, my she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed.
All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attended the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time.
Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP 'd she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South... and to Alice's horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert.
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake, she started, out of her chair to rush to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, “Thank you, I baked it myself."
Alice smiled and thought to herself, "GOD is good."

CALIF GIRL
12/26/2006, 08:50 PM
Tips from the Redneck Book of Manners

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

***DINING OUT ***

1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.


***ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ***


1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

***PERSONAL HYGIENE ***

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

***DATING (Outside the Family) ***

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."

***WEDDINGS ***

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

***DRIVING ETIQUETTE ***

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.


***TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER***

1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

Mosesatm
12/27/2006, 07:26 AM
Sadly, I can relate to many of those!

Mustanglvr
12/27/2006, 08:31 AM
We have enjoyed redneck jokes for years, but it's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorist threatening my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up, with tire irons, squirrel guns, and grit --

You might be a redneck if. . ..

It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase,
"One nation, under God ... "

~~~~~~~~~~~http://www.countrywhispers.com/redneckpride/flagkids.gif~~~~~~~~~~~~

You've never protested about seeing the Ten Commandments posted in public places.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You bow your head when someone prays.

~~~~~~~~~~~http://www.countrywhispers.com/redneckpride/flag21.jpg~~~~~~~~~~~~

You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You treat American Veterans with great respect, and always have.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You've never burned an American flag.

~~~~~~~~~~~http://www.countrywhispers.com/redneckpride/deckflag350.jpg~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You'd give your last dollar to a friend.

Mosesatm
12/27/2006, 08:43 AM
Terrorists are cowards who don't fight. You could easily bust up a dozen of them with a pee-wee soccer team!

Mustanglvr
12/27/2006, 08:59 AM
Sadly, I can relate to many of those!

So did my last post make you feel any better Arlie?:wink:

mustgetastang2
12/27/2006, 09:49 AM
Rednecks are what ''built'' this country and the legs this country stands on.I am pretty sure that few politicians actually went out and physically had a hand in the forming and shaping of what our country is as it is today.Rednecks add ''color'',if you will pardon the pun, and humor to our land,even if it is a little off most of the time.So on that note I will add a joke as well.....

What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common?


Their last big hit was ''The Wall''

hotrodgrany
01/12/2007, 01:52 PM
Rednecks are what ''built'' this country and the legs this country stands on.I am pretty sure that few politicians actually went out and physically had a hand in the forming and shaping of what our country is as it is today.Rednecks add ''color'',if you will pardon the pun, and humor to our land,even if it is a little off most of the time.So on that note I will add a joke as well.....

What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common?


Their last big hit was ''The Wall''

I like this but how about this one:
Smart Senior Citizen
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvett convertible out of the
dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the
wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing,"he thought as he
flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in the rear mirror, he
saw a state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and sirens blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, than 110. than 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm to old for this." and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard of before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Than he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

Mustanglvr
01/12/2007, 07:23 PM
Why are you yelling that?

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.

In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.

The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"

In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.

He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!"

The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.

In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.

The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"

"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

Mosesatm
01/19/2007, 12:11 PM
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
And Man said, "Yes!"
And Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles."
And they gained 10 pounds.
And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them.
And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad."
And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is
good."
Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.
And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them.
And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?"
And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!"
And Satan said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs

Mustanglvr
01/22/2007, 03:29 PM
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only
did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were
laughing so hard!
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Diesel Donna
02/04/2007, 12:43 PM
You know you're from California when:



Your monthly house payments exceed your annual
> income.
>
> You drive next to a Rolls Royce and don't notice.
>
> You don't know anyone's phone number unless you
> check your cell phone.
>
> You speak Spanish, but you're not Mexican.
>
> You begin to "lie" to your friends about how close
> you are when you
> know that it'll take you at least an hour to get
> there (see below).
>
> Getting anywhere from point A to point B, no matter
> what the distance,
> takes about "twenty minutes".
>
> You drive to your neighborhood block party.
>
> In the "winter", you can go to the beach and ski at
> Big Bear on the
> same day or mow your lawn in your shorts on New
> Years Day, and maybe
> sunburn.
>
> You eat a different ethnic food for every meal.
>
> If your destination is more than 5 minutes away on
> foot, you're
> definitely driving.
>
> Calling your neighbors requires knowing their area
> code.
>
> You know what "In-'N-Out" is and feel bad for all
> the other states
> because they don't have any.
>
> You don't stop at a STOP sign, you do a California
> Roll.
>
> You've partied in Tijuana at least 3 times and you
> don't remember at
> least 1 of them.
>
> You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
>
>
> You eat pineapple on pizza.
>
> You think that Venice is a beach.
>
> The waitress asks if you'd like "carbs" in your
> meal.
>
> You classify new people you meet by their Area Code.
> An "818" would
> never date a "562" and anyone from "323" or "213" is
> ghetto/second class.
> Best area code: "949/714." Nobody likes anyone from
> the "909/951"
> because it stinks there.
>
> You call 911 and they put you on hold.
>
> The gym is packed at 3 pm...on a workday. (I
> know~!!! Why is that???)
>
> You know that if you drive two miles in any
> direction you will find a
> McDonald's, Subway or a Starbucks
>
> You know what "Sigalert", "PCH", and the "Five"
> mean.
>
> You know the meaning behind the name of the 405
> freeway.... because it
> takes 4 hours to get one way, and 5 hours to get
> back.
>
> It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on
> every news station:
> "STORM WATCH".
>
>
> The Terminator is your governor.
>
> You actually get these jokes and pass them on to
> other friends from
> California !

CougarCJ
02/04/2007, 09:57 PM
Subject: Subject: 6th grade science



The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human
body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should
not be asking sixth-graders a question like that!"

"I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal,
who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part
increases SPAN up to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy,
is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body
part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the
eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued,
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind,
Two, you didn't read your homework, and
three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

Diesel Donna
02/12/2007, 12:41 AM
Update on...you know you're from California when......

Californians
So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan
jokes, somebody had to come up with this, you know you're from
California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing's and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a
conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is
named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are
grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and
Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a
baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS
George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember . . .is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news
station: "STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all
busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour
early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers
and cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're
here illegally, they want to give you one.

Mustanger
02/16/2007, 11:25 AM
An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"

The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"

Mustanglvr
02/18/2007, 01:25 AM
:icon_lol: :rofl: :icon_lol: :rofl:

Perkchiro
02/18/2007, 08:45 PM
While I was watching football this weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.

During the course of the conversation, I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Sometimes it's tough being married to a smartass

68gt390
02/19/2007, 07:39 AM
While I was watching football this weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.

During the course of the conversation, I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Sometimes it's tough being married to a smartass

Steve;
That'll teach you to think outloud won't it?

Don :rofl:

Mustanger
02/23/2007, 10:36 AM
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house.

Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled, "STOP! Acts 2:38!" ("Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.")

As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. Shortly, several officers arrived and took the man into custody.

As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked, "Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a scripture verse."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar.

"She said she had an axe and two 38's!"

nfrntau
02/23/2007, 01:57 PM
The Baby Photographer
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've
been expecting you."
"Have you really? "said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did
you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat" ;After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun.
You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry
and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But
if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um... equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away
"Tripod?"
Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted.

mustgetastang2
02/24/2007, 09:44 AM
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000
miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a
properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00


Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and
buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner
and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check
for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack
stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil
on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of
face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver
through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter
splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old
oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid
environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin
coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hu rry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on
the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill.
Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes.
Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip
with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and
bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin
between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit
bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop
blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh
oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the
influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $20.00
Total $4,145.00
(But you know the job was done right!)

Mustanglvr
02/24/2007, 09:55 AM
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

p51
02/25/2007, 05:19 PM
What I feel like on Friday after a long week of work in Silicon Valley...

http://youtube.com/watch?v=IIlKiRPSNGA

Mustanger
03/02/2007, 11:06 AM
Gas Prices vs ?

People have been complaining about the rising price of gasoline recently, but I have always thought that gas was a good value (especially if you were to take the $0.30, $0.40 per gallon tax off at the pump)! Obviously others need a little convincing. So an article in "Autoweek" magazine brought it all to light. What if you were to buy a gallon of . . .


- Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon


- Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon


- Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon


- Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon


- Quart of Milk 16 oz for $1.59 = $6.32 per gallon


- Evian (water) 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon


- STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon


- Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon


- Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon


- Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon


- Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.84 per gallon


So next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on Nyquil or Scope or Whiteout!

Mustanglvr
03/02/2007, 08:04 PM
Menopause Jewelry


My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would
be able to monitor my moods.


We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.


Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond

Mustanger
03/09/2007, 09:07 AM
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

Mustanger
03/09/2007, 09:10 AM
(The following is a true story written by an educational psychologist and her experience on a plane.)

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist.

The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston.

Then she inquired what I did for a living.

I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.

Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."

joedls
03/16/2007, 01:04 PM
Dear dad

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished
to see that his
bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an
envelope propped up prominently on the pillow that
was addressed to
"Dad."

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope
with trembling
hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing
you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I
wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she
is so nice. But
I knew you would not approve of her because of all
her piercing's,
tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that
she is much
older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad
she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a
trailer in the
woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole
winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana
doesn't really
hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and
trading it with the
other people that live nearby for cocaine and
ecstasy. In the meantime,
we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS
so Stacy can get
better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care
of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so
that you can get
to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true I'm over at
Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in
life than the
report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

Mustanger
03/23/2007, 07:17 AM
I was driving down a lonely country road one cold winter day when it began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain.

Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattle snakes. I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades and they worked just fine.

What! You've never heard of . . . wind chilled vipers?

joedls
03/23/2007, 09:12 AM
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."

"Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

CALIF GIRL
03/23/2007, 05:12 PM
Dear Ma and Pa:
Am well. Hope you are. Tell brother Walt and brother Elmer the Army beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 5 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things -- no hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.
Practically nothing. Men got to shave, but it ain't bad, they git warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kinda weak on chops, potatoes, beef, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon,
when you get fed again. It aint no
wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches," which, the Sgt. says, are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys all get sore feet and we ride back in trucks.
The country is nice, but awful flat.
The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Colonels and Generals just ride around and frown. They don't bother noone. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep gettin medals for shootin. I don't know why. The bull's-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting back, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lay there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before other fellows get onto this setup and come stampeding in.


Yore lovin daughter,

Gail
P.S. Speakin of shootin, enclosed is $200 for barn roof and ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps,
but not very good

CALIF GIRL
03/23/2007, 05:35 PM
I was at home the other night in the middle of my dinner when the phone rang.
ME: Hello.
VERIZON: Hello, this is VERIZON ....
ME: Is this VERIZON?
VERIZON: Yes, this is VERIZON ..
ME: This is VERIZON?
VERIZON: Yes, this is VERIZON ..
ME: Is this VERIZON?
VERIZON: Yes! This is VERIZON, may I speak to Mrs. Herrera, please?
ME: May I ask who is calling?
VERIZON: This is VERIZON.
ME: Ok, hold on. At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.
ME: Hello?
VERIZON: Is this Mrs. Herrera?
ME: May I ask who is calling, please?
VERIZON: Yes, this is VERIZON ..
ME: This is VERIZON?
VERIZON: Yes, this is VERIZON ...
ME: The phone company?
VERIZON: Yes, mam.
ME: I thought you said this was VERIZON.
VERIZON: Yes, mam, we are a phone company.
ME: I already have a phone.
VERIZON: We aren't selling phones today, Mrs. Herrera. We would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
ME: Now, that's 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day?
VERIZON: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest)Yes, mam, that's right! 24 hours a day!
ME: 7 days a week?
VERIZON: That's right.
ME: 365 days a year?
VERIZON: Yes, mam.
ME: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
VERIZON: We think so!
ME: That's quite a sum of money!
VERIZON: Yes, mam, it's amazing how it adds up.
ME: Ok, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560; and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
VERIZON: Excuse me?
ME: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
VERIZON: What are you talking about?
ME: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
VERIZON: Oh, no, mam, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
ME: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute, that I'll give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this is in the Enquirer, you know.
VERIZON:! No, mam, we are offering 10 cents a minute for ...
ME: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?
VERIZON: Mam, I don't think that is necessary.
ME: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
VERIZON: Yes, Mrs. Herrera. Please hold. At this point, I begin trying to finish my dinner.
SUPERVISOR: Mrs. Herrera?
ME: Yeth?
SUPERVISOR: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
ME: Is this the supervisor?
SUPERVISOR: Yes, mam, it sure is.
ME: (I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a
snort.) No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
SUPERVISOR: Ok, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
ME: Thank you. I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I need to end this conversation.
Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
VERIZON: Hello, Mrs. Herrera, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
ME: No, but I was wondering - do you have that "Friends and Family"
thing because I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother.
VERIZON: click........

p51
03/26/2007, 10:27 PM
One of the best comedy skits ever...

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Watf8_Rf58s

And a *very* funny version that someone dubbed with Yoda and JarJar from Starwars...

http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZoaQYL8ylms

Mustanglvr
03/27/2007, 05:09 AM
Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared
for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness,
a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked,
"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them
behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to
realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room
and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster,
too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship
with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention
he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes,
I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.


The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice said,

"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you
to the electric chair."

2007GTCS
03/27/2007, 07:30 AM
I know it's not Friday, but I'm going to forget by then and I've got to post this one...

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's butt?


















.............A mechanic.

Mustanglvr
03/29/2007, 01:06 PM
WHO IS JACK SCHITT

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate,
married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religi ous couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt..

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school
dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

Mosesatm
03/30/2007, 06:59 AM
A Love Story in 3 Pictures

Sorry about the poor quality of the pictures

Mustanglvr
03/30/2007, 07:02 AM
Very Cute Arlie!!!

Mustanger
03/30/2007, 07:33 AM
Yesterday I was having some work done at the car Dealer.
A gorgeous blonde woman came in and asked for a Seven-hundred-ten. They all looked at each other, and one Mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."

The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.

He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is
there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, silly, it's right there!.................."

(scroll down to identity of the mysterious 710 ...)

Mustanger
03/30/2007, 07:34 AM
... here's a "710" ...

Mustanger
03/30/2007, 09:46 AM
... here's a good one ...

rvrtrash
03/31/2007, 05:20 PM
It's not Friday but I just got this off another forum I'm on and had to pass it along. I can't imagine a Mustang owner doing this and the ladies or those prone to being squeamish may not want to read it. I got to page 3 and had to quit because I was laughing to hard.

http://web.camaross.com/forums/showthread.php?t=506760


Steve

Perkchiro
03/31/2007, 08:26 PM
Ready to start a trend? How about a Mustang Pony branded on your butt. That guy must me the biggest idiot I've heard of. Good reason to not drink. I got a good laugh out of it too.

Mosesatm
04/02/2007, 02:03 PM
I know it's not Friday but I just got back from the dentist and remembered this list someone sent to me.


You know how hard it is to talk to your dentist when your teeth are being cleaned or you are getting a filling? Well, I decided I would make up a sort of sign language that you could use to express yourself without having to mumble.

Below are 10 common things you might wish to say, numbered 1-10. These would be printed on a poster and mounted on the ceiling above the dentist chair.

It would give you something to read since procedures can be boring. When a phrase seems appropriate, you would just hold up the corresponding number of fingers to express yourself. The dentist would not need to stop to ask you to repeat yourself and could fix the problem right away.

1. Everything is fine, but my nose itches.

2. When you get a chance, there seems to be spit running down my neck.

3. So, I guess you had garlic for lunch today?

4. You realize that wasn't my tooth that you just poked with that incredibly sharp tool of yours.

5. I would REALLY prefer you didn't do that again.

6. Could you please suction the chunk of debris that you missed before I gag?

7. Remember how I said I was numb? I think I may have been mistaken.

8. Wait a minute -- maybe I am allergic to latex.

9. Just so you know, if we don't get to take a break soon, I may bite you.

10. You don’t seem to understand, I really, really, really need to use the restroom!

Diesel Donna
04/02/2007, 09:08 PM
I read this in Reader's Digest:

A quiet evening of guard duty at Camp Pendleton, California turned hairy when my son and his buddy saw a pair of luminous eyes staring back at them. It slinked toward them...a cougar.
Retreating slowly, my son radioed the base. "We're being followed by a cougar" he said softly. "What do we do?" A voice responded, "Get the license plate number and we'll send over some MPs".

Mosesatm
04/06/2007, 09:32 AM
Classic Lawyer Lines (Sorry Casey)


These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of
the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________
And the best for last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the
autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have
been alive and practicing law.

hotrodgrany
04/10/2007, 04:10 PM
enjoy this video.
http://www.fango.com/media/2092/My_parking/

Mustanger
04/13/2007, 11:07 AM
Knock Knock.

Who's there?

Shelby.

Shelby who?

Shelby comin' 'round the mountain when she comes...

Mosesatm
04/17/2007, 06:56 AM
For all the computer enthusiasts

http://mywebpages.comcast.net/singingman7777/Beginning.htm

Mustanger
04/20/2007, 07:50 AM
1. The emissions test guy starts laughing as soon as you pull onto the rollers.

2. You can't drive your car in the rain.

3. Your 'significant other' is afraid to drive your car.

4. You are afraid to drive your car.

5. You spend more on tires than on food.

6. You spend more on car insurance than on house payments.

7. You look in a state police car and see a picture of your car taped to the dash.

8. You throw your underwear in the garbage rather than the hamper.

9. You have to go to the track to buy gas.

10. Your mechanic names the new wing of his shop after you.

11. Jacques Villeneuve and Michael Schumacher wave you by.

12. You can make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.

13. You're tempted to wear your fire suit just to drive to the office.

14. Red signal lights shift to green as you're approaching then shift back to red as you're receding.

15. You arrive somewhere before you left.

16. You get pulled over for doing 155 in a 35 but the cops will let you go if "they can look under the hood."

17. You remove the $2000 stereo system to save 6 lb. of weight.

18. You are not allowed to run in the Silver State Challenge.

19. You get an anonymous phone call asking if you are interested in being in the Cannonball Run.

20. Your face looks like you are riding a NASA centrifuge when you drive the car.

22. You need parachute braking.

23. 'significant other' won't even ride in the car.

24 There is no possible way to "sneak out" of your neighborhood at 6 am.

25. Your pets scramble for their hiding spots as soon as the garage door is opened. (Pets, and all the neighbors...)

26. Family photos throughout the house are replaced with ife-sized posters of your car.

27. Fuel is delivered to your home: in 55 gallon drums!

28. You carry earplugs in your car.(doesn't everybody???)

29. The only spot on the car which receives any regular cleaning is the windshield. (what else is there to clean???)

30. You find out that side mirrors don't hold up at speeds exceeding 145 mph.

rvrtrash
04/20/2007, 04:58 PM
Uh-Oh! A lot of those fit me.

Steve

Mosesatm
04/27/2007, 06:38 AM
Here's one some of us can relate to.

Diesel Donna
04/27/2007, 07:14 AM
Here's one some of us can relate to.

Very funny! I have seen that in 'another' version.....

Mustanger
04/27/2007, 07:51 AM
A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.

The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."

Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"

This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.

Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"

The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

PNewitt
04/28/2007, 02:14 PM
Rumor has it that GMC wanted to make a limited edition of their latest SUV, directly aimed at the soccer moms market share.

...and they figured that cartoon characters would appeal to the kids, too.

But; due to a sharp exec with a degree in Freudian Psychology, the "Peanuts "Envoy" was cancelled...

PMN.

hotrodgrany
04/30/2007, 05:06 PM
I was sent this and not for sure if it has been posted here but.
I got stopped for speeding the other day.
I thought I could talk my way out of it till the cop LOOKED at the dog in the back seat. A sure sign you're driving too fast...
This one is destined to become a classic. If this doen't make you laugh or at least smile...you need to think seriously about getting professional assistance.

Mustanger
05/04/2007, 10:29 AM
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Rottweiler: Make me!

Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls.

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I'm not afraid of the dark...

Doberman: While it's out, I'll just take a nap on the couch.

Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs -- people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?

Mustanger
05/11/2007, 01:43 PM
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed inbetween the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment, he claimed: "I think it's Adam's suit!"

Mustanger
05/18/2007, 07:26 AM
"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburetor."
"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."
"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburetor."
"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the swimming pool."

Mosesatm
05/30/2007, 03:43 PM
This policeman was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial.

The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....

Q: "Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer, who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?!"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

Mustanger
06/01/2007, 12:40 PM
A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door.

"An' wot's this then?" he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins.

"You dumb dog." As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket.

The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day.

The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb.

"Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know?"

Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright," as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.

The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog.

"Hey, what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there," comments the butcher.

"He's a stupid dog--that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key.

PonyGal
06/01/2007, 02:36 PM
Here is a guide to help you decode the real truth behind those classified car ads.

"What the ad says" - "What it actually means."

· Must sell - Before it blows up.
· Many new parts - I'm sick of dumping money into this broken down heap.
· Appraised at $29,000 - By me.
· Frame-off Restoration - The body actually rusted right off the frame.
· Needs Front-End Alignment - Some serious frame-straightening wouldn't hurt either.
· Must See To Appreciate - It's a mystery as to how a car with bad valves, a cracked block, and no bands left in the transmission can still get to the end of the driveway and back.
· Ready To Restore - After 8 years of abuse on the drag strip and 20 years in a field exposed to the elements, it is ready to be restored.
· Easy Project Car - Completely disassembled, bring boxes!
· Minor Rust - I though I had it all covered with bondo, but you can still see some rust.
· Faster than a 'Vette - A Chevette.
· Convertible - After driving under truck.
· Runs Great - Too bad it doesn’t roll.
· Third Owner - To see the light and get rid of this piece of junk.
· Nice Stereo - To overcome exhaust noise.
· Good Investment - Can't be worth much less.
· California Car - And has been since it arrived from Cleveland three weeks ago.
· Numbers-Matching - The price in my ad matches the number of dollars I'd like to get for it.
· Fast - Compared to a Geo Metro.
· Looks Great - In dim light.
· Always Garaged - That's because it would never run long enough for me to get it out of the garage.
· Needs Paint - To cover rust.
· New Paint - Beautifully covers rust.
· Solid as a rock - Rusted solid
· Clean - I will vacuum up the 6 month old French Fries 10 minutes before you see the car.
· Over $20,000 Invested - And that was just to get it to run.
· Restored, With 0 Miles - Won't start.
· Restored, With 2 Miles - Won't stay running.
· Older Restoration - First owner washed & waxed it.
· One Owner - I couldn't even give it away.
· 95% Complete - Can't find the other 5%.
· Low Miles - Ever since the odometer was turned back.
· Must Sell - Need bail money.
· Summer Fun - Won't make it to fall.
· Runs fine - I was going to say "runs excellent" but I had a last minute attack of conscience.
· Daily Driver - 400 miles a day.
· Only Driven Sundays - Sunday is race day.
· Engine Rebuilt - Engine degreased & painted to look it.
· Doesn’t Smoke - No oil to burn, or 90wt oil.
· Trans. Rebuilt - Fine sawdust used to make it quiet.
· 4 Speed Gearbox - 5th gear is dead.
· Hurry, Won't Last - Neither will the car.
· Needs some body work - Was side-swiped by a Winnebago.
· New Tires - Retreads years ago.
· Or Best Offer - I'm guessing at the price here.
· Well Maintained - I occasionally changed the oil.
· Drives Like a Dream - A nightmare.
· No Time To Restore It - Can't find the parts.
· Needs Minor Overhaul - Needs engine.
· Always Garaged - Embarrassed to leave it outside.
· Looks like new - Just don't try to drive it anywhere.
· Rough Condition - Too bad to lie about.
· Family Owned - Driven by 6 teenagers.
· Restoration Started - The rest of the car has been in boxes since 1992.
· Fully Restored - Nothing original.
· All Original - I never had anything fixed, adjusted, or replaced.
· Desireable Classic - No one wants it.
· Rare Classic - No one wanted it, even when it was new.
· Stored 20 Years - In a farmer's field.
· Ran When Stored - But doesn't start now.
· Never Apart - Bolts too rounded to loosen.
· Tags ‘Till Next Year - Stolen year sticker.
· Excellent Gas Mileage - It's slow.
· Project Car - I can't figure out how to finish it, and I doubt you will either.
· Moving, Must Sell - Off to jail, need bail money.
· No Disappointments - Once you hand me the cash, I promise I won't be disappointed.
· Loaded with Options - None of them work.
· Burns No Oil - It all leaks out.
· Drive It Away - I live on a hill.
· Rare Option - Because the factory never offered it.
· Motivated Seller - Motivated to get the hell out of town.
· Lots of Potential - To drive you insane.
· Engine Quite - Uses 90-weight oil.
· Parts Car - Beyond repair.
· Immaculate - Recently washed.
· Concours Condition - Recently waxed.
· 95 Point Car - You think that is impressive, you should see the points on my driving record.
· Show Winner - Once got third place in the 1983 Eastern Iowa Star Trek Convention - but that was before the rust got really bad.
· Other Interests Conflict - Spouse's ultimatum: "Either that #!!@&*# thing goes, or I do!"

Mosesatm
06/04/2007, 02:23 PM
HI
A dangerous new virus is being distributed electronically. It is called the Worm Overload Recreation Killer (WORK). You can get WORK from your boss or colleagues. Do not touch it. The virus will wipe out your private life.

If you come into contact with WORK, there are two antidotes. You can purchase Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) or Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). They're available at your local grocery store. Take repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated.

Forward this warning to five friends. If you don't have five friends, you're infected with WORK and it is controlling your life.

Mosesatm
06/08/2007, 08:01 AM
Someone out there has way too much spare time!


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM


PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER


ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER


DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT


THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE


GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE


THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS


SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME


ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY


ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT


MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER


SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S


A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE


THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:


ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

Mustanger
06/15/2007, 07:10 AM
Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say

10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.

Mustanger
06/29/2007, 10:29 AM
Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle.

Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can't even ride a bicycle.

p51
07/01/2007, 10:42 AM
Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle.

Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can't even ride a bicycle.

Groucho Marx (I think):

"I was on safari in Africa. One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas....
.... how he got into my pajamas, I'll never know"

CougarCJ
07/01/2007, 05:41 PM
Out jogging? Bike riding?

http://i174.photobucket.com/albums/w115/CougarCJ/outjogging.jpg

p51
07/04/2007, 09:57 AM
One of our most famous patriots in the fight for freedom...

Enjoy....

http://www.vidilife.com/video_play_1014323_Bunker_Hill_Bunny.htm

CougarCJ
07/04/2007, 01:04 PM
One of our most famous patriots in the fight for freedom...

Enjoy....

http://www.vidilife.com/video_play_1014323_Bunker_Hill_Bunny.htm

Good one, Bugs Bunny what an actor!:smile:

Mustanger
07/13/2007, 08:13 AM
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar.

A $40 speeding ticket was included.

Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.

The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.


Apparently, this story has some truth in it:

http://www.snopes.com/autos/law/handcuff.asp

Mosesatm
07/20/2007, 06:28 AM
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking; Surely I can’t look that old!”?

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired buy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, why back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang,” he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?” I asked.

He answered, “In 1959, why do you ask?”

"You were in my class!” I exclaimed.

He looked at my closely.

Then that ugly, old, wrinkled, bald, fat, gray, decrepit, son-of-a-bitch asked, “What did you teach?”

Mosesatm
07/26/2007, 04:14 PM
Texas just announced a new plan in catching those pesky speeders along the interstates that drive GT/CSs!!!!

Mustanger
07/27/2007, 07:05 AM
Texas just announced a new plan in catching those pesky speeders along the interstates that drive GT/CSs!!!!
Arlie, it's kinda funny that Texas would get this secret weapon with CHP decals ...

Mosesatm
07/27/2007, 07:39 AM
I thought about that. But I decided that since the people in California drive like bats out of hell (I'm in San Diego today) apparently without any fear of being stopped the decals must be a diversion.

David and Joe don't need to go to a racetrack, they just need to spend a day on the 15 between San Diego and Riverside.

Maybe CALIF GIRL will transfer down to Escondido and make those people fly right!

edit: changed "of" to "on".

Diesel Donna
07/27/2007, 09:12 AM
[QUOTE=Mosesatm;43112]

David and Joe don't need to go to a racetrack, they just need to spend a day of the 15 between San Diego and Riverside.



Shooooot! That's just the warm-up track! :grin:

CALIF GIRL
07/28/2007, 06:39 PM
[quote=Mosesatm;43112]

David and Joe don't need to go to a racetrack, they just need to spend a day of the 15 between San Diego and Riverside.



Shooooot! That's just the warm-up track! :grin:

Aint that the truth. Try the 14 or the 395 going to Bishop..

Diesel Donna
07/30/2007, 11:31 PM
[quote=Diesel Donna;43117]

Aint that the truth. Try the 14 or the 395 going to Bishop..

Hahahahaaa! Yeah the 395 in the winter with all the "slope dopes" going to Mammoth.:eek:

Midnight Special
07/30/2007, 11:49 PM
[QUOTE=CALIF GIRL;43145]

Hahahahaaa! Yeah the 395 in the winter with all the "slope dopes" going to Mammoth.:eek:

...99 south of Bakersfield worked for me last Friday - 'Got nailed for 91 in a 70! I called CALIF GIRL and confessed. She set me straight all right... 'Only took me 6 hrs. to get to LA, but 10 hrs. to get home.....

P.S. I didn't tell Joe about it, cuz I figured he would only try to do it in 5 hrs. while on his way to Mike's BBQ!

CougarCJ
07/31/2007, 06:56 AM
New Rules For The Way Things Are
List




Improving the world one new rule at a time. . . .

New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad
for classmates.com! There's a reason you
don't talk to people for 25 years. Because
you don't particularly like them! Besides,
I already know what the captain of
the basketball team is doing these
days--mowing my lawn.

New Rule : Don't eat anything that's
served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all
shocked that a human finger was found
in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost
less than a dollar. What did you expect
it to contain?? Trout?

New Rule : Stop saying that teenage
boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently
damaged. I have a better description
for these kids: lucky bastiges.

New Rule : If you need to shave and
you still collect baseball cards, you're
a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are
keepsakes of your idols. If you're a
grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule : Ladies, leave your eyebrows
alone. Here's how much men care about
your eyebrows: do you have two of them?
Okay, we're done.

New Rule : There's no such thing as
flavored water. There's a whole aisle
of this crap at the supermarket, water,
but without that watery taste. Sorry,
but flavored water is called a soft drink.
You want flavored water? Pour some
scotch over ice and let it melt. That's
your flavored water.

New Rule : Stop screwing with old people.
Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle
that's square, with a bigger label. And the
top is now the bottom. And by the time
grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass
will be in the morgue. Congratulations,
Target, you just solved the Social Security
crisis.

New Rule : The more complicated the
Starbucks order, the bigger the jerk.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order
a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat,
iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with
one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet,"
ooh, you're a huge asshat.

New Rule : I'm not the cashier! By the
time I look up from sliding my card, entering
my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying
the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash
back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid
who is supposed to be ringing me up is
standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule : Just because your tattoo has
Chinese characters in it doesn't make you
spiritual. It's right above the crack of your
butt . And it translates to "beef with
broccoli." The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God you
weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual.
You're just under the influence.

New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a
sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins.
ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open
of Competitive Eating, because watching
those athletes at the poker table was just
too damned exciting. What's next,
competitive farting??? Oh wait!?
They're already doing that--It's called
"The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule : I don't need a bigger mega
M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for
M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule : If you're going to insist on
making movies based on crappy, old
television shows, then you have to
give everyone in the Cineplex a remote
so we can see what's playing on the
other show.

New Rule : No more gift registries. You
know, it used to be just for weddings.
Now it's for babies and new homes
and graduations from rehab. Picking
out the stuff you want and having
other people buy it for you isn't gift
giving, it's the white collar version
of looting.

New Rule : No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a
towel and a mint like I just had sex with
George Michael. I can't even tell if he's
supposed to be there, or just some
freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on
your web cam, dude. I just want to wash
my hands.

New Rule : When I ask how old your
toddler is, I don't need to know in months.
"27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine.
He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care
in the first place.

New Rule : If you ever hope to be a credible
adult and want a job that pays better than
minimum wage, then for God's sake don't
pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh.
If so, then plan your future around saying,
"Do you want fries with that?"

joedls
07/31/2007, 11:35 AM
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"


The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!

Mosesatm
07/31/2007, 11:41 AM
UGH!!!!

But I did forward it to someone.

Mosesatm
08/08/2007, 02:01 PM
A female friend just sent this to me. I still can't decide if it's funny or scary. Knowing her it's probably scary!


A couple celebrated their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. What a peaceful and loving couple.

A local newspaper reporter then inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon on a pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, “That's once”.

We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice'.

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife got off the animal, quietly removed a revolver from her purse, and shot the mule dead.

I started an angry protest over her treatment of the mule, when she looked at me, and quietly said, ”That's once”.

And we lived happily ever after."

Mosesatm
08/09/2007, 06:51 AM
*Imagine you are at a party at someone's 10th floor apartment....*

You've been drinking...... (not that you would...)

And then you need to use the bathroom....

You open the door.....

And you see this.....


This would mess your mind up!

Doug
08/09/2007, 07:27 AM
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches
straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your
timing is excellent.

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man
who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.

You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a
two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

Mustanger
08/10/2007, 07:18 AM
A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.
Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.

"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.

"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.

"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days, isn't He?"

PonyGal
08/10/2007, 09:30 AM
1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “Inbox.”
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors”
7. Finish all your sentences with “in accordance with The Prophecy.”
8. dont use any punctuation or capitalization
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Order a “diet water” whenever you go out to eat - with a serious face.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
16. Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask them to settle the disagreement.
17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won, I Won!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
19. Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
20. And finally, the best way to maintain a healthy level of insanity…ba a parent!!!

Mustanger
08/21/2007, 01:19 PM
... and from a Wonka Laffy Taffy wrapper:

83. Q - Do you know what Mary had when she went to dinner?

83. A - Everybody knows Mary had a little lamb...


84. Q - What did one penny say to the other?

84. A - Let's get together and make some sense...

Mustanger
08/24/2007, 09:59 AM
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.

After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

Mustanger
09/07/2007, 08:08 AM
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

Mustanger
09/21/2007, 08:06 AM
1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.

5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a six-year-old.

11. "Play-Doh" and "microwave" should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

21. Cats spit up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Mustanger
10/17/2007, 03:37 PM
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:


(brace yourself)


(this is going to hurt.)


(really bad.)


"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

Mustanger
10/18/2007, 11:20 AM
A man walks into an auto parts store and says,"I'd like a rear view mirror for my Yugo."

The man behind the counter thinks about this for a while, then says,"Yup, seems like a fair trade to me ..."

Mustanger
10/19/2007, 06:56 AM
Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"
Andy says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Andy continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well in that case," persevered Andy, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalized?"
"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"
Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash."

Mustanger
10/30/2007, 06:59 AM
One pirate said to his fellow crewmate, "Arrrgh, that be a fine looking hook and peg leg ye got for ye'self!"

The pirate replied, "I should think so, it cost me and arm and a leg!" :icon_pira

Mustanger
11/02/2007, 08:14 AM
One morning, Mrs. James woke up and her dishwasher wasn't working. She called a repairman and he said that he would be able to come out and service the dishwasher that afternoon.

Since Mrs. James worked during the day, she said, "You can come out this afternoon but I won't be at home. I'll leave a key under the back door mat, you fix the dishwasher and leave me a bill. I'll mail you a check tomorrow. I need to tell you, though, that I have a Pit Bull. He's a gentle dog so don't worry about him. I also have a parrot. He's not so nice, so whatever you do, "DON'T TALK TO THE PARROT!!"

Later that day, the repairman let himself into Mrs. James house and sure enough, there was her Pit Bull. He was a gentle dog ... he just lay on the rug and watched the repairman do his work.

The parrot, however, was another story. He screamed, and squawked, and lunged at the repairman the entire time he was in the house.

Finally the repairman couldn't take the bird's screaming any longer and he yelled, "SHUT UP YOU STUPID BIRD."

At that, the parrot looked at the Pit Bull and said "Sic 'em, Brutus."

Mosesatm
11/05/2007, 06:47 AM
It looks like we've been spammed by Jordan.

Reported to Jon.

Mustanger
11/14/2007, 09:29 AM
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, ''Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant.''
"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

''Simple,'' said the department manager, ''Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'''

p51
11/21/2007, 04:41 PM
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

Mosesatm
11/28/2007, 08:23 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jB2q3sjDp-U

Mustanger
11/30/2007, 10:25 AM
A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle Of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop.

The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing.

The tribesman began to speak..."woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in '68 Mustang California Special, traveling at 65 m.p.h."

"That's amazing" exclaimed the father.

"You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground"?

"No", said the old tribesman. "They just ran over me five minutes ago"!

Mustanger
12/07/2007, 09:25 AM
Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee, listening to the weather report coming over the radio.

"There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared," the weather report said. "You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."

Ole says "Jeez, okay," and gets up from his coffee.

The next day they're sitting down with their morning cups of coffee and the weather forecast declares "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets."

Again, Ole says "Jeez, okay," and gets up from his coffee.

Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast says, "There will be 6 to 9 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the - "

Just then the power goes out and Ole doesn't get the rest of the instructions.

He turns to Lena and says "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?"

Lena replies "Aw, Ole, why don't you just leave the car in the garage today?"

Mustanger
12/21/2007, 10:43 AM
In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.

The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

Mustanger
01/04/2008, 08:37 AM
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.
The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."

To which the man replied, "No sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.

The Redneck said, "I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it."

Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!''

Mustanger
01/11/2008, 08:47 AM
A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys' car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.
"Sir," the cop says. "Why do you have all those knives?"

"They're for my juggling act," the man says.

"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Prove it." So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a car with two guys in it drives by.

"Man," says the first guy. "I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard."

GT/CS S Code
01/19/2008, 01:20 AM
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence, but I'm looking for my wife also. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guys says, "Well maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blond hair, blue eyes, long legs, big chest, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top, and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's go look for yours."

:icon_ecst

GT/CS S Code
01/19/2008, 01:27 AM
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other about the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made contact with his wife from beyond, "Connie ... Connie..."

"Is that you, Joe?"

"Yes, I've come back to talk to you like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, and I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch, and you'd be proud of me since I eat lots of greens now. Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."

"Oh Joe, you surely must be in Heaven!"

"Not exactly ... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona now ...."
:wink:

GT/CS S Code
01/19/2008, 01:41 AM
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "YEOWW ...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The most often tool used by all women.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 inch socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40 watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

"O Man" TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "O Man" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

:wink:

GT/CS S Code
01/19/2008, 02:00 AM
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

The poor little guy starts crying.

'Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying.

''This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right.'

I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my own dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the poison!'

GT/CS S Code
01/19/2008, 02:05 AM
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!

The Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

The Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

The London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

The Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please."

The London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

The Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"

So the London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

The Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the hell out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"

:wink: