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Old 10/30/2018, 11:06 AM   #541
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When my wife starts to sing I always go outside and do some garden work so that our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.

I may have passed my "best before" date, but I haven't reached my "expiry" date!
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Old 10/30/2018, 11:09 AM   #542
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A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk. The head monk said, “You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years.”
The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said, “What are your two words?”
“Food cold!” the man replied.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said “What are your two words?”
“Robe dirty!” the man exclaimed.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, “What are your two words?”
“I quit!” said the man.
“Well,” the head monk replied, “I am not surprised. You've done nothing but complain ever since you got here!”

I may have passed my "best before" date, but I haven't reached my "expiry" date!
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Old 10/30/2018, 11:10 AM   #543
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Two avid golfers were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend – “Hey, why don’t you try this ball.” He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. “Use this one – You can’t lose it!”
His friend replies, “What do you mean you can’t lose it?!!”
The first man replies, “I’m serious, you can’t lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it.”
Obviously, his friend doesn’t believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, “Wow! That’s incredible! Where did you get that ball?”
The man replies, “I found it.”

I may have passed my "best before" date, but I haven't reached my "expiry" date!
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Old 10/30/2018, 11:11 AM   #544
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A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
“Look, it’s not the same hat.”
“Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table.”
“Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”
The magician was furious but he couldn’t do anything; it was after all the captain’s parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.
After a week the parrot finally said: “OK, I give up. Where’s the boat?”

I may have passed my "best before" date, but I haven't reached my "expiry" date!
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Old 10/30/2018, 11:12 AM   #545
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The only cow in a small Alberta town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the provincial boundary line in Saskatchewan for only $200. They bought the cow from Saskatchewan and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. “Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side, she walks away to the other side.”
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, “Did you by chance, buy this cow in Saskatchewan?” The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. “You are truly a very wise Vet,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow in Saskatchewan?”
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, “My wife is from Saskatchewan ...”

I may have passed my "best before" date, but I haven't reached my "expiry" date!
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Old 10/30/2018, 11:13 AM   #546
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It was Sally’s first time going for jury duty and she was a little bit apprehensive. “I would just like you to know” said Sally as soon as she was in front of the judge “That I feel very strongly that capital punishment is morally unjust and incorrect.”
“That’s OK, said the judge “Capital punishment is not a possibility in this case so it’s perfectly fine for you to serve on this jury.”
“What’s the case about?” asked Sally.
“Well Mrs. Smith is filing a suit against her husband for gambling away the money she had saved for remodeling her bathroom” replied the judge.
“Alright” replied Sally “I’ll serve on this one, but I may have been wrong about the capital punishment thing after all ...”

I may have passed my "best before" date, but I haven't reached my "expiry" date!
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Old 10/30/2018, 11:14 AM   #547
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A tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint British pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a few pints of stout. After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences, there are no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS. He really, really has to go, after all those drinks. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve the problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says: “I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know.”
“I’m very sorry, officer,” replies the tourist, “but I really, really have to go, and I just can’t find a public restroom.”
“Ah, yes,” said the policeman. “Just follow me”.
He leads the tourist down a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.
“In there,” points the policeman. “Go ahead sir, anywhere you like.”
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. It has manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the policeman’s blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer: “That was really decent of you. Is that what you call English hospitality?”
“No sir,” replied the police officer. “That is what we call the French Embassy.”

I may have passed my "best before" date, but I haven't reached my "expiry" date!
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Old 10/30/2018, 05:36 PM   #548
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CougarCJ View Post

... Along those lines is a series of videos bashing GM commercials. Google "Chevrolet" and "Mahk".
Hadn't seen these before. Hilarious. Thanks.

The world stands aside to let anyone pass who knows where he is going.
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Old 07/13/2019, 01:42 PM   #549
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I love this one.
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This getting older ain't for cowards. - John Mellencamp
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Old 07/16/2019, 01:42 PM   #550
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The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk. So the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Sicily.

It was absolutely wonderful. It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr Santucchi, who was very wise, to tell him what was happening, and to ask his advice.

Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side.

The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily. "You are truly a wise veterinarian," they said.
"How did you know that we got the cow from Sicily?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes: "My wife is from Sicily."

I may have passed my "best before" date, but I haven't reached my "expiry" date!
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Old 07/17/2019, 09:06 AM   #551
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When your cat crashes his bicycle in a dream

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/wBp83nwlmkI" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Scott Behncke
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West Coast Classic Cougar A good source for Mustang mechanical parts too.
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Old 07/17/2019, 10:36 AM   #552
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One evening, after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his hot rod out in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage.

You probably should consider selling your hot rod and all that welding equipment; they take up so much of your time. And that gun collection and fishing gear, they just take up so much space. And you know the boat is such an ongoing expense; and you hardly use it. I also think you should lose all those stupid model airplanes and your home brewing equipment...

Bob got a horrified look on his face.

She noticed and said, "Darling, what's wrong?”

He replied, "You were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”

"Ex-wife!?" she shouted, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!”

Bob replied, "I wasn't ..."

I may have passed my "best before" date, but I haven't reached my "expiry" date!
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