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Tool Glossary (funny)

tworings

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 19, 2006
Messages
210
Location
So Cal
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts, then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you
to say, "Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used to create
blood-blisters.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to further round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
the wheel hub you're trying to remove the bearing from.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating a 9/16 or the
1/2" socket that has skillfully managed to elude you for the last 15
minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used to lower an automobile to the ground after
you have installed new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used for levering an automobile upward
off a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on
everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably
has a machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside,
its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same
rate as a 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first
few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its
name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab vacuum seals under lids and
for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts which were last overtightened 50 years ago by someone at Ford, and
neatly rounds off their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts in
close proximity to the object you are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while you're
wearing them.

EXPLETIVE: A balm, also referred to as mechanic's lube, usually applied
verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities
following our every deficiency in foresight.
 

Mosesatm

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 18, 2005
Messages
9,011
Those are absolutely hilarious!!!

Sadly, I can relate to most of them.
 
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