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Old 11/22/2009, 09:13 PM   #406
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Wink A blonde password ...

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDenver


When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be "at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital" ...


I may have passed my "best before" date, but I haven't reached my "expiry" date!
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Old 11/22/2009, 09:21 PM   #407
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Wink The Old Italian Grandmother ...

A old Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301.
There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow , pusha button 301.
I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with you elbow , pusha 3 ...
When you get out, I'mma on the left.
With you elbow , hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?
And she says: "What . . . .. .. you're coming to see me empty handed?"

I may have passed my "best before" date, but I haven't reached my "expiry" date!
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Old 11/22/2009, 09:27 PM   #408
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Wink

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua.
As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got the dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed"
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua ?"
The woman said indignantly, "A Chihuahua? What ...? You mean they gave me a bloody Chihuahua?"

I may have passed my "best before" date, but I haven't reached my "expiry" date!
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Old 11/30/2009, 03:15 PM   #409
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Redneck Play Station

http://majman.net/fly_loader.html
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Old 11/30/2009, 11:03 PM   #410
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Wink Redneck fishing trip ...

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, sir", replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that."
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works."
"OK", said the warden. "I've got to see this!"
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden says, "Well?"
"Well, what?" says the redneck.
The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?", said the redneck.
"The FISH", replied the warden!
"What fish?" replied the redneck.

I may have passed my "best before" date, but I haven't reached my "expiry" date!
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Old 11/30/2009, 11:12 PM   #411
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Wink

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One called Justin and the other called Kristian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted', and Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark!
Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
'Where's Kristian?' he asked.
'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Kristian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'
Kristian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'
Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed ...'
.
.
.
'I've found Cod! I'm a Prawn again Kristian ...'

I may have passed my "best before" date, but I haven't reached my "expiry" date!
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Old 11/30/2009, 11:19 PM   #412
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Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable
to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill. But one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! -- there sat Bill!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'
Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'
'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Mary, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'
'Well, she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so
proud that when I got into court - I pled 'guilty.'
'... and the damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury!'

I may have passed my "best before" date, but I haven't reached my "expiry" date!
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Old 01/04/2010, 01:37 AM   #413
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Wink The Newfie and the trees ...

A newfie named eric is driving home after downing a few beers at the local pub. He turns a corner and he sees a tree right in the middle of the road so he swerves to avoid it.
He looks ahead and he realizes there's another tree directly in his path! As he continues, his trip home is causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees that are right in the middle of the road.
Moments later he hears a police siren and so he stops his car.
The officer approaches his car and asks him: "what on earth are you doing?"
eric starts to tell the cop the story about all the trees that are right in the middle of the road and how he's been swerving from side to side to miss them.
The officer stops him in mid sentence and says ... "fer cryin' out loud eric, that's yer air freshener on the rear view mirror you've been seein'!"

I may have passed my "best before" date, but I haven't reached my "expiry" date!
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Old 02/04/2010, 07:50 AM   #414
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King Arthur and the Witch:


Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?


Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now...what is the moral to this story?







The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly
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Old 02/04/2010, 12:00 PM   #415
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Talking Not quite Friday yet, but ....

His request approved, a CNN News photographer quickly used his cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him when he arrived at the airport.
When he drove up to the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane out into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make some low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for CNN', he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, and finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me is . . . you're NOT my flight instructor?'

I may have passed my "best before" date, but I haven't reached my "expiry" date!
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Old 02/04/2010, 12:01 PM   #416
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Talking ... and another one ...

A group of 40 years old buddies get together and discuss where they should meet for a reunion dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the “Gausthof zum Lowen” restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should go for another reunion dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the “Gausthof zum Lowen” because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should have their reunion dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the “Gausthof zum Lowen” because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet for their reunion dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the “Gausthof zum Lowen” because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the “Gausthof zum Lowen” because that would be a great place to eat because they have never been there before.

I may have passed my "best before" date, but I haven't reached my "expiry" date!
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Old 02/04/2010, 12:02 PM   #417
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Talking Jewish poker players ...

Six retired Jewish Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500.00 on a single hand. He lets out an audible gasp, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table while the next hand is being dealt out.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing out the hand while standing up.
Finally, Finklestien looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife? She can get pretty ugly, you know ..."
And so, in true gamblers fashion, they cut the cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the bad news to Mrs. Meyerwitz. The other fellows tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? Discreet, you say? Hey, I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."
So, Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door.
The wife answers thru the door and asks what does he want?
Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500.00 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg

I may have passed my "best before" date, but I haven't reached my "expiry" date!
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Old 02/04/2010, 12:03 PM   #418
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Talking A trip to Costco ...

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet, “Biscuit”, the Wonder Dog, and I was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think that I had, an elephant?
So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way it worked was to load your pants pockets with Purina Dog Chow nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you felt hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well, and I advised that I was going to try it again. (… and of course by now practically everyone in the checkout line was now enthralled with my story …)
Horrified, she asked if I had ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me? I told her no, that I'd stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack because he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

I may have passed my "best before" date, but I haven't reached my "expiry" date!
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Old 02/04/2010, 12:05 PM   #419
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Talking The new minister in town ...

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a minister who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple a blocks and turn to your right."
The minister thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday son. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on mister ... You don't even know the way to the bloody Post Office!"

I may have passed my "best before" date, but I haven't reached my "expiry" date!
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Old 02/04/2010, 12:07 PM   #420
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Talking Five important rules ...

Five rules for men to follow for a happy life:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

Signed,

Tiger Woods

I may have passed my "best before" date, but I haven't reached my "expiry" date!
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