Friday Joke

[Mosesatm]

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for
the
sport.

"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,"
one complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too,"
said one of the others.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the
third
senior. After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and
the
wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said...
"Quit your dang complaining and just be thankful we're still on the
RIGHT
SIDE of the grass!"

I like it! Nothing better than a joke about the 2 best things in the world. Golf and cemeteries!!!

What was the Rodney Dangerfield line in Caddy Shack about them? "Golf courses and Cemeteries, the 2.... (something about a waste of land)"

 

[nfrntau]

Laws of the natural universe

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin
to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the
stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a
flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will
start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you
are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it
will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle
arrive last.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will
ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have
adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on
a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of
the carpet/rug.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will
stop making it.

Bill's law:
If you only bought one size of brake tubing, you will need the other size.

 

[Mustanger]

...Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

...

... Oliver was a smart lawyer ...

 

[Mustanger]

I own the fastest car...

A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2007 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?".

The dude replies "A 2007 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000."

"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure" replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!"

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe three times as fast!

The guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeeP?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.

Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!

WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

The guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the badly injured old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!"

 

[Mustanglvr]

Oh fer Funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Mustanger]

Redneck On Vacation

...You might be a redneck if you have ever vacationed in a highway rest area.

 

[PNewitt]

Okay, Okay...I'll chime in with my two bits.....


Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The
ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve
food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"

Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That
sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you,"
said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed,
is there any thing you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have
a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then
checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him
down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?

 

[CougarCJ]

American strategies

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from
generation to generation, says that, "When you discover that you
are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."

However, in government, education and in corporate America, more
advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures
ride horses.

5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be more
productive.

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as "living-impaired."

7. Hiring outside contractors to lift the dead horse and move its
legs.

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead
horse's performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would
improve the dead horse's performance.

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it
is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes
substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some
other horses.

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all
horses.

And of course my favorite...........

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

 

[Mustanglvr]

...You might be a redneck if you have ever vacationed in a highway rest area.

Ha ha, that struck a cord! My dad used to take our whole family on picnics to a rest stop on Interstate 90 when we lived in South Dakota. He`d drive 40 miles just to get there. I never could figure out why he never took us to a state or county park instead? lol

 

[LUVMYCS]

Good, Better, Best


GOOD
In Richardson, Texas , a State Trooper was running radar. He had a
perfect spot to watch for speeders, but he wasn't getting any. Then he discovered the problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD!" The officer later found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)
>>
BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Plano, Texas. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being
cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police
responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
>>
BEST
A young woman was pulled over in Austin, Texas for speeding. As the TX
State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book,
she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Police
Ball." He replied, "Texas State Troopers don't have balls." There was a
moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was
laughing too hard to start her car.

 

[Mosesatm]

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

“Yes, Father, it is.”

“And, who was the woman you were with?”

“I can’t be tellin’ you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”

“Well, Tommy, I’m sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O’Malley?”

“I cannot Say.”

“Was it Patricia Kelly?”

“I’ll never tell.”

“Was it Liz Shannon?”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t name her.”

“Was it Cathy Morgan?”

“My lips are sealed.”

“Was it Finoa McDonald, then?”

“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”

The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that, but you’ve sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for 3 months. Be off with you now.”

Tommy walks back to his pew and his friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”

“Three month’s vacation and five good leads.”

 

[Mustanger]

Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

 

[CougarCJ]

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!

 

[p51]

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!

I like it.

Similar situation. When I was ~10 I was travelling with my dad. We stopped at restaurant for lunch. The waitress asked what we wanted. I ordered a hamburger, fries, coke (typical kid). My dad, who wasnt particularly hungry ordered a smaller (and cheaper) children's chicken plate for 12 and under. The waitress, in no uncertain terms, informs him that he can't order that because he's not a child. My dad, as cool as could be and without missing a beat said...

"Hmmm (looking at the menu). OK (closing the menu). Then I guess I'll have a hamburger, fries, and a coke. And...
...my son will change his order and have the children's chicken plate"

The waitress was completely pissed off. My dad was as nice as could be towards her...

After we finished eating (he had sucessfully convinced me to swap my chicken for his hamburger) he left the waitress a $0.01 tip. That way she knew that he hadn't just forgotten to leave a tip. He later said that the lesson she learned was worth more than the normal 15% tip anyway.

 

[Mustanglvr]

Way to go Dad!

 

[Mustanglvr]

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain; and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party after all. In as much as her husband didn't know what costume she'd be wearing, she thought she'd have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she wasn't around.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every chick he could, getting a little kiss here and a warm squeeze there. His wife went up to him and being rather seductive herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to this new babe who had just arrived.

She let him do whatever he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and they did it all! Zowie! Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in. She asked how the evening had been? He said "Oh, the same old thing. You know, I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "You know, I didn't dance even one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.

But I'll tell you...from what I heard, the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"

 

[Mustanglvr]

Here are some cute pictures. There`s alot of sick pumpkins there, lol.

 

[CougarCJ]

Airplane humor

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull
the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the
stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep
the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start
sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the
plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small
probability of survival and vice-versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the
opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience
before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion
coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero
miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
24. The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, gas back at the airport,
and a tenth of a second ago.
25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.

 

[Mustanger]

Rolls-Royce vs. Yugo

A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce.

He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls. "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got a phone in my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, "Yes, I have a phone."

The driver of the Yugo said, "Cool! Hey, you also got a fridge in there, too? I've got one in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, much annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."

The driver of the Yugo said, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated by now, replied, "Of course, I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"

The driver of the Yugo said, "Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, upset that he did not have a bed, sped away and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be installed in the back of his Rolls-Royce.

The next morning, he returned to pick up his car, and the bed looked superb It came complete with silk sheets and a brass-trimmed headboard. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls-Royce. So the driver of the Rolls began searching for the Yugo. He drove around all day and finally found the Yugo late that night.

It was parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. He got out and knocked on the window of the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he continued knocking and knocking until finally, the owner of the Yugo lowered the window, and stuck his soaking wet head out.

"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him narrowly and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!?!"

 

[Mustanger]

Confusing Traffic Signs ...

A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.

Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"

Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."

Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!

Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful.

At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.

Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible.

Sister: Oh, we just got off of highway 119.