Friday Joke

[CALIF GIRL]

The Cake​

Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this--especially all of the ladies who bake for church events.
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.
She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp.
But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake."
This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of new friends.
So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom -- a roll of toilet paper.
She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive perfect cake had already been sold.
Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom. Alice was horrified she was beside herself. Everyone would know, what would they think?
Oh, my she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed.
All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attended the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time.
Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP 'd she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South... and to Alice's horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert.
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake, she started, out of her chair to rush to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, “Thank you, I baked it myself."
Alice smiled and thought to herself, "GOD is good."

 

[CALIF GIRL]

Tips from the Redneck Book of Manners

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

***DINING OUT ***

1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.


***ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ***


1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

***PERSONAL HYGIENE ***

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

***DATING (Outside the Family) ***

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."

***WEDDINGS ***

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

***DRIVING ETIQUETTE ***

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.


***TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER***

1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

 

[Mosesatm]

Sadly, I can relate to many of those!

 

[Mustanglvr]

We have enjoyed redneck jokes for years, but it's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorist threatening my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up, with tire irons, squirrel guns, and grit --

You might be a redneck if. . ..

It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase,
"One nation, under God ... "

~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~

You've never protested about seeing the Ten Commandments posted in public places.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You bow your head when someone prays.

~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~

You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You treat American Veterans with great respect, and always have.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You've never burned an American flag.

~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You'd give your last dollar to a friend.
​

 

[Mosesatm]

Terrorists are cowards who don't fight. You could easily bust up a dozen of them with a pee-wee soccer team!

 

[Mustanglvr]

Sadly, I can relate to many of those!

So did my last post make you feel any better Arlie?:wink:

 

[mustgetastang2]

Rednecks are what ''built'' this country and the legs this country stands on.I am pretty sure that few politicians actually went out and physically had a hand in the forming and shaping of what our country is as it is today.Rednecks add ''color'',if you will pardon the pun, and humor to our land,even if it is a little off most of the time.So on that note I will add a joke as well.....

What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common?


Their last big hit was ''The Wall''

 

[hotrodgrany]

Rednecks are what ''built'' this country and the legs this country stands on.I am pretty sure that few politicians actually went out and physically had a hand in the forming and shaping of what our country is as it is today.Rednecks add ''color'',if you will pardon the pun, and humor to our land,even if it is a little off most of the time.So on that note I will add a joke as well.....

What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common?


Their last big hit was ''The Wall''

I like this but how about this one:
Smart Senior Citizen
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvett convertible out of the
dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the
wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing,"he thought as he
flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in the rear mirror, he
saw a state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and sirens blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, than 110. than 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm to old for this." and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard of before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Than he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

 

[Mustanglvr]

Why are you yelling that?

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.

In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.

The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"

In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.

He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!"

The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.

In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.

The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"

"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

 

[Mosesatm]

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
And Man said, "Yes!"
And Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles."
And they gained 10 pounds.
And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them.
And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad."
And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is
good."
Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.
And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them.
And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?"
And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!"
And Satan said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs

 

[Mustanglvr]

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only
did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were
laughing so hard!
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

 

[Diesel Donna]

You know you're from California when:



Your monthly house payments exceed your annual
> income.
>
> You drive next to a Rolls Royce and don't notice.
>
> You don't know anyone's phone number unless you
> check your cell phone.
>
> You speak Spanish, but you're not Mexican.
>
> You begin to "lie" to your friends about how close
> you are when you
> know that it'll take you at least an hour to get
> there (see below).
>
> Getting anywhere from point A to point B, no matter
> what the distance,
> takes about "twenty minutes".
>
> You drive to your neighborhood block party.
>
> In the "winter", you can go to the beach and ski at
> Big Bear on the
> same day or mow your lawn in your shorts on New
> Years Day, and maybe
> sunburn.
>
> You eat a different ethnic food for every meal.
>
> If your destination is more than 5 minutes away on
> foot, you're
> definitely driving.
>
> Calling your neighbors requires knowing their area
> code.
>
> You know what "In-'N-Out" is and feel bad for all
> the other states
> because they don't have any.
>
> You don't stop at a STOP sign, you do a California
> Roll.
>
> You've partied in Tijuana at least 3 times and you
> don't remember at
> least 1 of them.
>
> You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
>
>
> You eat pineapple on pizza.
>
> You think that Venice is a beach.
>
> The waitress asks if you'd like "carbs" in your
> meal.
>
> You classify new people you meet by their Area Code.
> An "818" would
> never date a "562" and anyone from "323" or "213" is
> ghetto/second class.
> Best area code: "949/714." Nobody likes anyone from
> the "909/951"
> because it stinks there.
>
> You call 911 and they put you on hold.
>
> The gym is packed at 3 pm...on a workday. (I
> know~!!! Why is that???)
>
> You know that if you drive two miles in any
> direction you will find a
> McDonald's, Subway or a Starbucks
>
> You know what "Sigalert", "PCH", and the "Five"
> mean.
>
> You know the meaning behind the name of the 405
> freeway.... because it
> takes 4 hours to get one way, and 5 hours to get
> back.
>
> It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on
> every news station:
> "STORM WATCH".
>
>
> The Terminator is your governor.
>
> You actually get these jokes and pass them on to
> other friends from
> California !

 

[CougarCJ]

6th Grade Science lecture

Subject: Subject: 6th grade science



The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human
body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should
not be asking sixth-graders a question like that!"

"I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal,
who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part
increases SPAN up to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy,
is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body
part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the
eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued,
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind,
Two, you didn't read your homework, and
three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

 

[Diesel Donna]

Update on...you know you're from California when......

Californians
So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan
jokes, somebody had to come up with this, you know you're from
California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing's and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a
conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is
named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are
grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and
Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a
baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS
George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember . . .is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news
station: "STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all
busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour
early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers
and cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're
here illegally, they want to give you one.

 

[Mustanger]

A Very Faithful Woman ...

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"

The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"

 

[Mustanglvr]

:icon_lol: :rofl: :icon_lol: :rofl:

 

[Perkchiro]

While I was watching football this weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.

During the course of the conversation, I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Sometimes it's tough being married to a smartass

 

[68gt390]

While I was watching football this weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.

During the course of the conversation, I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Sometimes it's tough being married to a smartass

Steve;
That'll teach you to think outloud won't it?

Don :rofl:

 

[Mustanger]

Reading The Scripture ...

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house.

Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled, "STOP! Acts 2:38!" ("Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.")

As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. Shortly, several officers arrived and took the man into custody.

As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked, "Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a scripture verse."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar.

"She said she had an axe and two 38's!"

 

[nfrntau]

The Baby Photographer
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've
been expecting you."
"Have you really? "said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did
you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat" ;After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun.
You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry
and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But
if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um... equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away
"Tripod?"
Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted.