Friday Joke

[Mustanger]

Be more polite...

You should learn to be more polite...

One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.

Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"

Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"

Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."

Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"

 

[GT/CS S Code]

Retirement ....

I've often been asked, "What do you old folks do now that you're retired? Well, I have a friend who has a chemical background and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, bourbon, and wine into urine. .... and, we're pretty damn good at it too!"
:wink:

 

[GT/CS S Code]

The Scottish Soldier ....

A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the chemist.
The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up, and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the pharmacist.
"Six pence," says the pharmacist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence," says the pharmacist.
The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandanna, places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the pharmacy, kilt swinging. A moment or two later the pharmacist hears a great shout go up, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the pharmacist.
"The regiment has taken a vote," says the Scot.
"We'll have a new one …."
:wink:

 

[GT/CS S Code]

Marriage Encounter Weekend ....

While attending a "Marriage Encounter Weekend", Walter and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, "Robin Hood-All-purpose, isn't it?"
And thus began Walter's life of celibacy ....
:wink:

 

[Mustanger]

Congressman's Money...

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."

The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I'm a United States congressman!"

The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"

 

[GT/CS S Code]

The field trip ...

A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two of their female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their "privates" to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in the fourth grade.'
'No, ma'am, he replied, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race today ....

 

[GT/CS S Code]

Cup of tea ...

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was of course just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it wa s 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know...
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet ....?'

 

[GT/CS S Code]

The Barbie dolls ...

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the salesgirl, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'
The salesgirl answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?'
We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19..95, Skater Barbie for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and all of the others only $19.95?
The annoyed salesgirl rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir...., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, and one of Ken's Friends.'

 

[GT/CS S Code]

Thoughts for today ....

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL' ....

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf ....

 

[GT/CS S Code]

A Cowboy Poem .....

I ain't much for shopping,
Or for goin' into town
Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain't too easily found.

But the day came when I had to go -
I left the kids with Ma.
But 'fore I left, she asked me,
'Would you pick me up a bra?'

So without thinkin' I said, 'Sure,'
How tough could that job be?
An' I bent down and kissed her
An' said, 'I'll be back by three.'

Well, I done the things I needed,
But I started to regret
Ever offering to buy that thing -
I worked me up a sweat

I walked into the ladies shop
My hat pulled over my eyes,
I didn't want to take a chance
On bein' recognized.

I walked up to the sales clerk -
I didn't hem or haw -
I told that lady right straight out,
'I'm here to buy a bra.'

From behind I heard some snickers,
So I turned around to see
Every woman in that store
Was a'gawkin' right at me!

'What kind would you be looking for?'
Well, I just scratched my head.
I'd only seen one kind before,
'Thought bras was bras,' I said.

She gave me a disgusted look,
'Well sir, that's where you're wrong.
Follow me,' I heard her say,
Like a dog, I tagged along.

She took me down this alley
Where bras was on display.
I thought my jaw would hit the floor
When I saw that lingerie.

They had all these different styles
That I'd never seen before
I thought I'd go plumb crazy
'fore I left that women's store.

They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
And bras that cross your heart.
There was bras that lift and separate,
And that was just the start.

They had bras that made you feel
Like you ain't wearing one at all,
And bras that you can train in
When you start off when you're small.

Well, I finally made my mind up -
Picked a black and lacy one -
I told the lady, 'Bag it up,'
And figured I was done.

But then she asked me for the size
I didn't hesitate
I knew that measurement by heart,
'A six-and-seven-eighths.'

'Six and seven eighths you say?
That really isn't right.'
'Oh, yes ma'am! I'm real positive -
I measured them last night!'

I thought that she'd go into shock,
Musta took her by surprise
When I told her that my wife's bust
Was the same as my hat size.

'That's what I used to measure with,
I figured it was fair,
But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am.'
This drew another stare.

By now a crowd had gathered
And they all was crackin' up
When the lady asked to see my hat,
To measure for the cup.

When she finally had it figured,
I gave the gal her pay.
Then I turned to leave the store,
Tipped my hat and said, 'Good day.'

My wife had heard the story
'fore I ever made it home.
She'd talked to fifteen women
Who called her on the phone.

She was still a-laughin'
But by then I didn't care.
Now she don't ask and I don't shop
For women's underwear.

~ Author Unknown ~

 

[GT/CS S Code]

Things that are difficult to say when drunk ....

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN
DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

 

[GT/CS S Code]

There are two ways to look at everything ....

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my 25th high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.

 

[GT/CS S Code]

Winning Golf Strategies .....

Dear Friends,

You may not know it but I have been very busy over the past two years putting my thoughts and ideas together in a book about Golf. I am very proud of the results and in order to market the publication, I am asking friends and family to be the first to own a copy. Here is the Table of Contents from my new book: "Winning Golf Strategies," which I believe gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my own years of experience in the game and observations of golfing partners.

Table of Contents:

Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt

Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee

Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker

Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance Off the Shank

Chapter 5 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger

Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings

Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management

Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m.

Chapter 9 - How to pee Behind a 4" x 4" Post Undetected.

Chapter 10 - How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round

Chapter 11 - How to explain that you found your ball that everyone else saw go in the Water

Chapter 12 - How to deal with the fact that Your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th.

Chapter 13 - How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome

Chapter 14 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three Off the Tee

Chapter 15 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

Chapter 16 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt

Chapter 17 - When to Regrip Your Ball Retriever

Chapter 18 - Use a Strong Grip on the Hand Wedge and a Weak Slip on the Foot Wedge.

Chapter 19 - Why Male Golfers Will Pay $5.00 A Beer from the Cart Girl and Give Her A $3 Tip especially when she is wearing a tank top, but will balk at $3.50 at the 19th Hole and then stiff the Bartender . . . .

Hopefully you will find my book intriguing and purchase a copy.

Thank you

 

[GT/CS S Code]

Sister Mary Ann's gasoline ....

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco gasoline station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.
Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'

 

[GT/CS S Code]

Supermarket surround sound ....

The new supermarket near my house has an automatic water mister to keep produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and smell the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the sound of a gentle breeze and the smell of fresh buttered corn.
... but I don't buy my toilet paper there any more ...

 

[GT/CS S Code]

Differences between Grandfathers and Grandmothers ...

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his granddaughter.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out for the traditional drive.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather.
'Well, did you enjoy your ride with granddma?'
'Oh yes, Grand-PaPa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head anywhere we went on our drive today!'
Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?

 

[Mosesatm]

AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....
so, I took her to a gas station.....
and then the fight started....

**********************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too'
And then the fight started.....
*******************

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out
of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and
little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then
which one are you?'
And then the fight started.....
***********************
Rick forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry.
She told him 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds....AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!'

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

And then the fight started.....

 

[GT/CS S Code]

Two Newfies ....

Two Newfies are looking at a Sears catalogue and admiring the beautiful models.

One says to the other: 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?'

The second replies. 'Yes, they are darn beautiful! And look at the prices!'

The first says, with wide eyes,'Wow, they are not very expensive. At this price, I am buying one.'

The second smiles and claps him on the back, 'Good idea, you order one and if she is as beautiful as she looks in the catalogue, I will get one too.'

3 weeks later, the Newfie asks his chum 'Did you ever receive that girl you ordered from the Sears catalogue?'

The second replies, 'No ... but it shouldn't be long now .... 'cause I got her clothes in the mail yesterday!'

 

[GT/CS S Code]

The Blonde Bride's Kitchen Diary

The Blonde Bride's Kitchen Diary

Monday:
It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors loaned me the extra bowls.

Tuesday:
Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home to dinner and they found me naked!

Wednesday:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice so I took a bath. Can't say it helped the rice.

Thursday:
Tried a new salad recipe. It said "prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." Tom asked why I was rolling around the garden.

Friday:
Found easy recipe for cookies that said "put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Something went wrong. When I got home, everything was just as I left it.

Saturday:
Tom went shopping today, brought home a chicken, and asked me to dress it for Sunday. I didn't have any clothes that fit it. For some reason, Tom keeps counting to ten.

Sunday:
Tom's folks came over for dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly, I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. How disappointing. When it came out, it was still hamburger!

Goodnight, dear diary. Tomorrow I'm gonna buy a bigger oven so I can fix Tom a chocolate moose!

 

[GT/CS S Code]

The Laws of Ultimate Reality

THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY

Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.


Law of Gravity - Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.


Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.


Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.


Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.


Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).


Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.


Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.


Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.


Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.


Law of the Theater - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.


The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.


Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.


Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.


Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.


Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.


Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.


Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.


Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.