Friday Joke

[Mosesatm]

Here are the winners in the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational, which asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.


1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

 

[rvrtrash]

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Hey, I work with that guy! :frust:

Steve

 

[hotrodgrany]

PS for us OLDER ladies! That would mean anyone over 50 right???!!!

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding....
Older Woman: Is there a problem, officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your licenses please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bag in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. With in minutes 5 police cars circled the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2:Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car. please
Older Woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration paper.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a drivers license.
the woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of the officers told me you didn't have a licenes, that you stold this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the lier told you I was speeding. too!!!

Don't Mess With Old Ladies

 

[p51]

The World Explained with Cows

The World Explained with Cows

DEMOCRAT You have two cows.Your neighbor has none.You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN You have two cows.Your neighbor has none.So?

SOCIALIST You have two cows.The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST You have two cows.The government seizes both and provides you with milk.You wait in line for hours to get it.It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows.You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows.The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows.The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows.You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses.Your stock's price goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows.You go on strike because you want three cows.You go to lunch and drink wine.Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows.You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows.You engineer them so they are all blond, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.You break for lunch.Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows.You have some vodka.You count them and learn you have five cows.You have some more vodka.You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.Then you kill them and claim a U.S. bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

IRAQI CORPORATION You have two cows.They go into hiding.They send radio tapes of their mooing.

FLORIDA CORPORATION You have a black cow and a brown cow.Everyone votes for the best looking one.Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither.Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking cow.

 

[CougarCJ]

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors." The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics." No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds." Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." Unacceptable again!

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts." Not a chance. "Nuts and Butts?" No way. "Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go. "Loons and Moons?" Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

Everyone loved it

 

[GT/CS S Code]

Two cannibals ....

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"
The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."
"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder you can't cook them tender ... it’s because you're cooking them all wrong. Those are friars ..!"

 

[GT/CS S Code]

The football game ....

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'
Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'
'Well, right at the beginning of the game they flipped a coin, and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm thinking ... Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!”

 

[GT/CS S Code]

Ain't it the truth ...

You just have to keep a positive attitude to life ...

 

[GT/CS S Code]

Cussing ....

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what? ' says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."

 

[GT/CS S Code]

Men and Women explained ....

Finally, Men and Women explained .....

 

[GT/CS S Code]

The truth about garage sales ....

A profound truth ....

 

[GT/CS S Code]

A great piece of advertising ....

Very funny ....!

 

[p51]

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix,
empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed,
tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube,
stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite,
pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch,
toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave,
return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl,
show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend,
implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel,
ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce,
aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify,
sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil,
embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug,
locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate,
repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for,
die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit,
enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle,
snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate,
spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify,
take her places,scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence,
diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade,flip,
flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather,
mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle,slam-dunk,
keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate,gelatinize,
brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coralwax,
ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant,idolize
and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.


HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME

Show up naked.

.

 

[GT/CS S Code]

Cowboy Etiquette ....

A young cowboy walks into the local small town cafe. He sits at the counter and he notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a bowl full of steaming hot chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it down with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices that there is a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was so shocking that he immediately barfs all the chili back up into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, … that's as far as I got, too."

 

[GT/CS S Code]

The BBQ ....

Each Friday night after work, sun, snow, or rain, Jack would fire up his new stainless steel outdoor BBQ grill and cook up a nice big juicy steak.
But, all of Jack's neighbors were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest about the problem.
The priest came to visit Jack, and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Jack attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said: "You were born a Protestant, and raised a Protestant, but now you are a Catholic."
Jack's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled steak once again filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Jack's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him for his digression, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Jack, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, but now you are a Cod fish.”

 

[GT/CS S Code]

All Seniors Aren't Senile ....

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, “We'll take it.”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, “by cheque”. “I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.”
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. “There's no money in that account!”
“I know that,” said the old man, “…. but let me tell you about my weekend!”

 

[GT/CS S Code]

Innocence is priceless ....

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, “Good morning Alex.”
“Good morning Pastor”, he replied, still focused on the plaque.
“Pastor, what is this?”
The pastor said, “Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service”.
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,
"Which service ... the 8:30 or the 10:30?"

 

[GT/CS S Code]

Retirement Planning ....

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of wine one year ago, drank all the wine, then turned in the bottles for the recycling REFUND, you would have $64.00.
Based on the above figures, the best current investment advice is to drink merrily and then recycle.

 

[p51]

Superbowl Prep

Getting ready for color commentary today from JMadden.
Caliendo is a better Madden than Madden... :wink:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XBW7ysPcbT0

 

[Mustanger]

Our Banking problem explained ...

Our Banking problem explained



Young Kathy moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry , but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'

Kathy replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Kathy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

Kathy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Kathyk said, 'Sure I can Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Kathy

and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Kathy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Kathy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Kathy now works for Goldman Sachs :wink: ...