Friday Joke

[Scott]

Friday starts early in Oz

http://www.shannons.com.au/pages/auctions/lot.jsp?id=A0T010A76QBJX9T7

Does anyone else find this funny?

 

[Scott]

Sorry, that was the WRONG page... This was my idea of funny... http://www.shannons.com.au/pages/auctions/lot.jsp?id=G5PC9853EY0QF4F5

 

[GT/CS S Code]

The vacuum cleaner salesman ...

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.
'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'
I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a really good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. Now what part of 'broke' do you not understand?”

 

[Mosesatm]

25 Reasons I Owe My Mother for My Education



1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."



2. My mother taught me RELIGION

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."



3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"



4. My mother taught me LOGIC

"Because I said so, that's why."



5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."



6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."



7. My mother taught me IRONY

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."



8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."



9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"



10. My mother taught me about STAMINA

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."



11. My mother taught me about WEATHER

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."



12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"



13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."



14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION

"Stop acting like your father!"



15. My mother taught me about ENVY

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."



16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION
"Just wait until we get home."



17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING
"You are going to get it when you get home!"



18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."



19. My mother taught me ESP

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"



20. My mother taught me HUMOR

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."



21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."



22. My mother taught me GENETICS

"You're just like your father."



23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"



24. My mother taught me WISDOM

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."



25. And my mother taught me about JUSTICE

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

 

[GT/CS S Code]

The Old Italian Golfer ...

An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'
'I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of wine, and all is well.'
'Well,' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?'
'Who said my Dad's dead?'
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says the old Italian golfer. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had another wine and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's dad? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my Grandad's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He's 118 years old,' says the old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
'No. Granddad couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'
The old Italian golfer responds with: 'Who said he WANTED to get married?'

 

[GT/CS S Code]

The Air Controller ...

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: 'US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!'
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: 'God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?'
'Yes, ma'am,' the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
'Wasn't I married to you once?'

 

[Mustanger]

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe...

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, 'I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.'

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards..... What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?'

'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires ... Means three pancakes; a pair of
headlights.. Is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards... Are 2 slices of crisp bacon'.

'Oh,... OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then
spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for Blondie?'

'She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!'

 

[Mustanger]

DOG DIARY


8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!





CAT DIARY


Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed

hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the

rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to

keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of

escape.



In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.



Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.

I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly

demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made

condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Idiots!



There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was

placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I

could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my

confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this

means, and how to use it to my advantage.



Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my

tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this

again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.



I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.



The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and

seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

 

[Diesel Donna]

More than I have enough money for, and you?

Hahahaaaaa!

 

[p51]

Two campers are walking through the forest when they suddenly encounter a grizzly bear.

The bear rears up on his hind legs and lets out a terrifying roar.

Both campers are frozen in their tracks.

"I'm sure glad I wore my running shoes today", the first camper whispers.

"Are you crazy, it doesn't matter what kind of shoes you're wearing, you're not gonna outrun that bear," replies the second.

"Oh, I know that but I don't have to outrun the bear. I just have to outrun YOU," he answers.

 

[GT/CS S Code]

Venison VS Beef ...

VENISON VS BEEF - THE TASTE CONTROVERSY ENDS!

FROM THE CANADIAN VENISON COUNCIL:

Controversy has long raged about the relative quality and taste of venison and beef as gourmet foods. Some people say that venison is tough, with a strong "wild" taste. Others insist that venison's flavour is delicate. An independent food research group was retained by the Venison Council to conduct a taste test to determine the truth of these conflicting assertions once and for all.

First, a Grade “A” Choice Holstein steer was chased into a swamp a mile and a half from the road and shot several times. After some of the entrails were removed, the carcass was dragged back over the rocks and logs and through mud and dust to the road. It was then thrown into the back of a pickup truck and driven through rain and snow for 100 miles before being hung out in the sun for 10 days.

After that it was lugged into a garage, where it was skinned and rolled around the floor for a while. Strict sanitary precautions were observed throughout the test, within the limitations of the butchering environment. For instance, dogs and cats were allowed to sniff and lick the steer carcass, but were chased away when they attempted to bite chunks out of it.

Next, a sheet of plywood left from last year's butchering was set up in the basement on two saw horses. The pieces of dried blood, hair and fat left from last year were scraped off with a wire brush last used to clean out the grass stuck under the lawn mower.

The skinned carcass was then dragged down the steps into the basement where half a dozen inexperienced but enthusiastic and intoxicated men worked on it with meat saws, cleavers and dull knives. The result was 375 pounds of soup bones, four bushel baskets of meat scraps, and a couple of steaks that were 1/8" thick on one end and 1 1/2" thick on the other.

The steaks were seared on a glowing red hot cast iron skillet to lock in the flavour. When the smoke cleared, rancid bacon grease was added along with three pounds of onions, and the whole conglomeration was fried for two hours.

The meat was gently teased from the frying pan and served to three blindfolded taste panel volunteers. Every one of the members thought it was venison. One of the volunteers even said it tasted exactly like the venison he had been eating in hunting camps for the last 27 years.

The results of this scientific test show conclusively that there is no difference between the taste of beef and venison.

 

[GT/CS S Code]

Love fades ...

A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen.
"What would you like for dinner Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"
He said, "Thank you Dear, I'll have the chicken."
Her reply was: “You're having soup. I was talking to the dog.”

 

[GT/CS S Code]

Ain't it the truth!

Birds of a feather flock together . . . and then crap on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

 

[GT/CS S Code]

The Confessional Box ...

A guy goes into the confessional box. He finds on one wall a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars.

Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a long time since I've been to confession, but I must first say that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."

The priest replies, "Get out! You're on my side!!!"

 

[Mosesatm]

There I fixed it!!!

Some imaginative people.

 

[GT/CS S Code]

I agree Arlie!

Yeah, some people are really inventive in a pinch!

 

[GT/CS S Code]

... and there are more ...!

Yikes! Some of these are just plain weird ...

 

[GT/CS S Code]

Yikes!

... and the best (worst?) for last ...!

 

[CougarCJ]

Winter car chase in Canada

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0id9fUYb95A

 

[GT/CS S Code]

Newfie Moose Hunters ...

Having shot a moose two Newfies began dragging it by the tail to their pick-up truck.

On the way they were stopped by a game warden. "Let me see your hunting licenses boys," he said. When he saw that everything was in order he asked if he could give them some advice.

"Sure!" the hunters agreed.

"Well boys, I think that you would find it a lot easier to drag that moose by the horns and not the tail."

"Aye, O.K. and thanks," said the lads.

After about five minutes one said to the other, "Boy, dragging this moose by the horns is sure a lot easier, eh?"

"Aye, you're right," said his friend, "but have you noticed that we are getting further away from the truck?"