Friday Joke

[GT/CS S Code]

A trip to the doctor ...

A midget complained to his doctor that his testicles ached all the time. The physician told the midget to drop his pants. The doctor then lifted him up onto the table to take a look.
Putting one finger under the left testicle, the doctor had the midget cough. "Hmmm" said the doctor. Then, putting his finger under the right testicle, the doc asked the midget to cough again.
"Ahhh!" said the doctor, as he reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip on the right side & then snip, snip, snip on the left side.
The doctor then told the midget to pull up his pants and see if he still ached.
The midget was delighted with the result, and he walked around the doc's office and his testicles did not ache.
"What did you do Doc?" he asked.
The doc replied, "I just cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."

 

[GT/CS S Code]

How low can you go ...?

A C-141-A Starlifter aircraft had been delayed for take-off for over an hour at Thule Air Force Base in Greenland because its sewage container had not been pumped out.
An Airman meandered up to the aircraft with the containment pump, fiddled around for a while, and then got ready to leave. The young Captain, who was the aircraft commander confronted the Airman, and stated: "You have caused me to be 2 hours late for my takeoff. I'll see that you are not only reprimanded, but punished as well!"
The young Airman smiled and said, "Sir, with all due respect. I have no stripes, I'm stationed at Thule, Greenland, its 20 degrees below zero, and I'm pumping shit out of an airplane. Just what kind of punishment did you have in mind?"

 

[Mosesatm]

WINTER Poem

It's winter in North Dakota
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At thirty-five below.

Oh, how I love North Dakota
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave North Dakota
I'm frozen to the friggin' ground!

Have a great day...

 

[CougarCJ]

Reunions

A group of 40 year-old buddies discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and are pretty.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group once again discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they have never been there before.

 

[GT/CS S Code]

Funny .... I'd swear that I'd heard that one before? (Post #418)
:grin:

 

[CougarCJ]

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family


An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside.. " Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my a chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina to a me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man...

"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"

 

[Mosesatm]

Words fail me when trying to comment on this.

 

[Midnight Special]

Tools explained differently...

...and somewhat accurately:

> DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

> WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, shit!"

> SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

> PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

> BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

> HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

> VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

> OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

> TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

> BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

> STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

> PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

> HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short..

> HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

> UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

> Son of a b*tch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

 

[somethingspecial]

I think what is funniest about that post is as I read it I was saying: Yep, Yep, True, Yep, ...

 

[p51]

Deer me, but I'm tired !

Schuylkill County, Pennsylvania

This is the pull off at SR 61 and Adamsdale Rd.
A deer was hit there.
The couch was dumped there previously.
Day two the deer was on the couch.
Day three the end table and lamp showed up.
Day four the TV and TV stand showed up.

The Trooper had to call PENN DOT because of all the people stopping to take pictures.

The cardboard caption in front of the deer on the couch reads, "Sorry Hunters. Obama ruined healthcare. We can't afford to have injured hunters on our conscience, so I'm staying home! Sorry, the Deer."

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[Mosesatm]

Funeral Humor

Slightly warped, but funny to those in my business.

 

[GT/CS S Code]

Comparing family ...

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well ....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, has a pair of 38D’s, with a 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God!"

 

[GT/CS S Code]

A thrifty Scotsman ...

Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub?
He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, “Sheila - put your hat and coat on, lassie.”
She replied, '”Awe, John, that's nice - are yee taking me tae the pub with you for a wee drinkee?”
“Nay”, he replied, “I'm switching the heat off while I'm out.”

 

[GT/CS S Code]

A smart prairie kid ...

A young cowboy from Melville, Saskatchewan goes off to college. Halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.
He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, '… you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Regina that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'
'That's amazing!' his Dad says, 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send him down here with $1,000,' the young cowboy says, 'I'll get him in the course.'
So his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out and so the boy calls home.
'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with teaching animals to talk that they've begun to teach them how to read!'
'Read?!' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue into that program?'
'Just send $2,500 and I'll get him in the class.'
The money promptly arrives, but our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read, so he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. 'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!
'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'Is your daddy still messing around with that little redheaded barmaid at the Blue Sky Café and Tavern?''
The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!'
'I sure did, Dad!'
'That's my boy!'
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer …

 

[GT/CS S Code]

A new bumper sticker ...

"Witches parking only .... all other will be Toad!"

 

[GT/CS S Code]

School Daze ...

Overheard in a lunchroom at work.

Two ladies were chatting about how their kids were doing in school when one of them remarked that her daughter was doing much better in her English classes this year as "Her teacher is Like ..... a really good English teacher."

 

[GT/CS S Code]

Doctor's exam ...

After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination, the doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Mallory, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"
"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said.
She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud: "Henry, do we still have intercourse?" And there was a hush. You could hear a pin drop ...
Henry answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I told you a hundred times ... what we have is ... Blue Cross!"

 

[GT/CS S Code]

The blonde bride ...

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and with great anticipation crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent.'
In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!
Who did you lend it to, and for how long ...?'

 

[p51]

Procrastinator's To Do List:

1.

 

[GT/CS S Code]

The big nasty biker ...

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a really big, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my own dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a poison capsule into it and sit here watching the poison pill dissolve. Then you, you big jerk, show up and drink the whole thing on me!
But enough about me, how's your day going ...?"
:wink: