Friday Joke

[GT/CS S Code]

Dinner for two?

A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted very unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.
The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked into the restaurant."
:wink:

 

[GT/CS S Code]

A real woman is a man's best friend ...

A real woman is a man's best friend.

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible ...

No wait ...

Sorry ... I'm thinking of beer ...

That's what beer does ...

Never mind ...

:grin:

 

[GT/CS S Code]

The Irish christening ...

Patrick's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins ... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth, and had to be christened immediately so your brother Patrick came in and named them.
The woman thinks to herself, ' Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother, he's a clueless idiot ...
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,' Well, what's my new daughter's name?'
'Denise' says the doctor.
The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother', she thought ... 'I really like Denise '
Then she asks, ' What's the boy's name?'
The doctor replies ' Denephew ' ...

 

[Mosesatm]

These poor guys!

 

[p51]

Comedy or Tragedy ?

Context: While traveling last week I stopped off in NYC to see my sister. We were having lunch in the financial district the day after the Fed stated that they would start buying T-bonds in order to "inject liquidity" into the economy/market. At the next table there were three, what I guessed to be, mid-level traders/bankers/financial-types talking. From the part of the conversation I overheard they were almost giddy at the prospect of the flood of "free money" coming their way. And they apparently (my take) were commenting on the competence of their soon to be benefactors - the Fed...

[First guy]: "Hey! Guess what a PhD in economics, a Nobel prize, and $1.70 can get you?... (head shakes)...
... Coffee at Starbucks!! [Laughter]

[Second guy]: ... Coffee that used to cost a dime !! [Even more laughter]

It was funny, but IMO, in a tragic sort of way... Ahem...

 

[Mustanger]

Father & Daughter Talk ...

Father & Daughter Talk

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be very liberal, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch conservative, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs.

The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, “How is your friend Audrey doing?”

She replied, “Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn’t even show up for classes because she's too hung over.”

Her wise father asked his daughter, “Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.”

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father’s suggestion, angrily fired back, “That's a crazy idea, and how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!”

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, “Welcome to the conservative side of the fence.” :wink: ...

 

[p51]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

 

[GT/CS S Code]

Golfers are wonderful people ...

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses with a heart attack!

"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.

"I'm dying here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf.
You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"

Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?" The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but when we pray in my church, we keep our head down."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know -- five, six, maybe seven times ..... just put me down for a five."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.
He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"

The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"

 

[p51]

Dual-use technology? :wink:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPlqhw8AoQI&NR=1&feature=fvwp

 

[hookedtrout]

Dude is dumb, gave the wrong answer! ;-)

 

[GT/CS S Code]

A visit from the Police ...

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife, and then asked "Is this your wife sir?"
Shocked I answered, "Yes!"
They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said "I know, but she has a lovely personality and the kids love her."

 

[p51]

Jay Leno's Garage

I sometimes watch the videos on Jay Leno's garage. In the first 4min of the video below (about all I watched) Jay recalls how he ended up spec'ing out his father's 1966 Ford Galaxie while his father was distracted. It's fairly amusing...

http://www.jaylenosgarage.com/at-th...tion-blog-1966-ford-galaxie-ultimate-edition/

 

[hookedtrout]

Thanks, I enjoyed that!

 

[GT/CS S Code]

Olive oil ...

A friend of mine was in to see me at work today and asked:

"Do you know where extra virgin olive oil comes from?"
"No, I answered."
"From extra ugly olive trees ..."

 

[GT/CS S Code]

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep ...

 

[p51]

From grade school, but still a good one...

Riddle: Why is "6" scared of "7"?
Answer: "Because 7 8 9" (if confused, say it out loud) :grin:

 

[GreenSpark]

Church

A guy is walking past a church when the doors open and people come streaming through. He turns to a nun and asks, "Is mass out?"
She says, "No, but your hat's on crooked."

 

[Wildwun360]

Simple, but funny......


What do you call a frog with no legs........?

"Un-hoppy"!

 

[GT/CS S Code]

For the golfers out there ... A Golfing Poem!

A Golfing Poem

In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, And Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.

By Its Size I Could Not Guess
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.

My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End;
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.

It Has Made Me Curse And Made Me Cry,
And Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises Me A Thing Called Par,
If I Hit It Straight And Far.

To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.

It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.

With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.

It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow!
:wink:

 

[GT/CS S Code]

Shopping for a bra ...

A man walks into the lingerie department at Macy's in New York. He tells the sales lady, "I would like a Southern Baptist bra for my wife, in size 34B."

With a quizzical look the sales lady asks, "What kind of bra?"

He repeats, "A Southern Baptist bra. My wife said to tell you that she wanted a Southern Baptist bra and you would know what she wanted."

"Oh yes, now I understand," says the sales lady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra, the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asks, "What's the difference?"

The sales lady responds, "It's really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses, the Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."

He muses on the information for a minute and says, "Hmmm, I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Southern Baptist bra do?"

"Ah," she replied, "the Southern Baptist bra makes mountains out of molehills."
:wink: